Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening.
When I got my first TV set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships with other people.
I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.
[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.
I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.
Stephen Sondheim is calculus for actors. The words are witty and brilliant and profound but complicated.
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.
Vanity, revenge, loneliness, boredom, all apply: lust is one of the least of the reasons for promiscuity.
I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
Normally you have news, weather and travel.....but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice-president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.
I am so frickin' cool and delicious and pretty and witty and sharp! I love every inch of me! Who wouldn't?
And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.
Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.
I like Kendrick as an artist. He's witty and he's smart when he's spitting in his lyrics. And he's crafty.
We find ourselves less witty in remembering what we have said than in dreaming of what we would have said.
Talking to oneself, I have often thought, is the best way to be sure of intelligent and witty conversation.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Democracy is worth dying for, because it's the most deeply honorable form of government ever devised by man.
The Law is a grim, unsmiling thing. Not Justice, though. Justice is witty and whimsical and kind and caring.
You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.
If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
The history of most women is hidden either by silence, or by flourishes and ornaments that amount to silence.
A woman may have a witty tongue or a stinging pen but she will never laugh at her own individual shortcomings.
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.
A large nose is in fact the sign of an affable man, good, courteous, witty, liberal, courageous, such as I am.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Clever and attractive women do not want to vote; they are willing to let men govern as long as they govern men.
It doesn't matter where we begin the personal/political circle, but it matters desperately that we complete it.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.