Witty Quotes - Page 20

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There are some men who are witty when they are in a bad humor, and others only when they are sad.

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'

New York City gritty committee pity the fool that act shitty in the midst of the calm, the witty.

Yeah, I treat all my heroines like children now. I pick them up, I cuddle them, I call them baby.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

There is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Seduction is about intelligence and wit. Someone who makes me laugh has every chance to seduce me.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Art should be witty, like a good Eddie Murphy movie, to make your life a little easier and better.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

#3 pencils and quadrille pads.(when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer )

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid of it.

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

If you give your life as a wholehearted response to love, then love will wholeheartedly respond to you.

I don't care if it doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man, woman, and child in America to see it.

My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.

Knowing what you can not do is more important than knowing what you can do. In fact, that's good taste.

Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Many a witty inspiration is like the surprising reunion of befriended thoughts after a long separation.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

The guy's life drunk, I think, makes Candide look like a sourpuss. Does he even know that death exists?

I never cared for fashion much, amusing little seams and witty little pleats: it was the girls I liked.

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Most of my mannerisms come from my Mum, who is quite a funny, witty, chatty person. My Dad was very shy.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

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