Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
In America any boy may become President, and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.
I didn't even realize I was writing songs - I thought I was just being witty and sarcastic.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.
I might've been witty, but I didn't have a shtick. So, I never considered myself a comedian.
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously
Though lust do masque in ne'er so strange disguise she's oft found witty, but is never wise.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
School is where you go between when your parents can't take you and industry can't take you.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.
Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.
It is terribly amusing how many different climates of feelings one can go through in one day.
Love is like a war; easy to start but hard to end and you never know where it might take you.
There is nothing as tragic as being alive and not enjoying life... Life should be celebrated!
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
I've been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.
Pride only helps us to be generous; it never makes us so, any more than vanity makes us witty.
I like my man to be witty; he needs a sense of humour and needs to be extremely well-mannered.
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.
All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought
The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty.
Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.
In most cases being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way.
Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
A cat is witty, he has nerve, he knows how to do precisely the right thing at the right moment.
Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college.
The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
The next best thing to being witty one's self, is to be able to be able to quote another's wit.
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.
I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.
Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it's their fault.
The ability to make witty observations is commonly refered to as "cynism" by people who lack it.
I have a goofy side that impacts my clothing a lot. To that end, I love witty, colorful, prints.
Never forget that it is the spirit with which you endow your work that makes it useful or futile.