Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention.
Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is absolutely fatal.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.
I'm not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money.
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.
After two years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding.
Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all.
I wouldn't even dare read the Torah, let alone attempt a witty observation on the Torah.
Witty closing remarks have been replaced by massive head trauma and severe hemorrhaging.
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
My father could be very witty, even if the humor was always on the darker side of irony.
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
Every witticism is an inexact thought; that which is perfectly true is imperfectly witty.
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
One cannot be always laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
If you want to be witty, work on your character and say what you think on every occasion.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
A witty writer is like a porcupine; his quill makes no distinction between friend and foe.
You are wise, witty and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of stuff.
It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
To be witty is not enough. One must possess sufficient wit to avoid having too much of it.
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
We cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire.
If one plays good music, people don't listen and if one plays bad music people don't talk.
Each problem that I solved became a rule, which served afterwards to solve other problems.
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.
Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
Who can prove Wit to be witty when with deeper ground Dulness intuitive declares wit dull?
If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.