Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.
The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it.
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
A witty illustration or an apt story will accomplish more than columns of argument.
I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
That's the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg.
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
I only read biographies, metaphysics and psychology. I can dream up my own fiction.
Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
She is pretty to walk with, And witty to talk with, And pleasant, too, to think on.
An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
If I wanted to go crazy I would do it in Washington because it would not be noticed
As marriage produces children, so children produce care and disputes; and wrangling.
So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three.
If every witty thing that's said was true, Oscar Wilde, the world would worship You!
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Love is the only passion which includes in its dreams the happiness of someone else.
I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Advertising in the final analysis should be news. If it is not news it is worthless.
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
I only do one thing at a time; otherwise, I get confused and then I can't trick you.
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.
Pickup lines never work...I think someone clever, witty and funny is very attractive.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
A lot has been said about politics; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate
When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.
Allow me to put the record straight. I am forty-six and have been for some years past.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.
Whatever money you might have, self-worth really lies in finding out what you do best.
Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
If it were not for the company of fools, a witty man would often be greatly at a loss.
There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Everyone striving to be witty and sought-after, everyone talking and no one listening.