Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You have to love your children unselfishly. That's hard. But it's the only way.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
Unlike my subject will I frame my song, It shall be witty and it shan't be long.
No matter who says what, you should accept it with a smile and do your own work.
I identify more with women than with men. I guess I have a strong feminine side.
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
It's all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he's perfect.
Being witty was the only side effect of being depressed that was working for me.
Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Marriage, like money, is still with us; and, like money, progressively devalued.
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
My lines are witty in nature and I love to be surrounded by people who are witty.
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it's much too confining.
Grave authors say, and witty poets sing, That honest wedlock is a glorious thing.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing.
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
I suppose, just as an honest man in politics shines more than he would elsewhere.
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling
If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!
It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV.
There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure.
A zen couch potato is a person who contemplates the nature of televised existence.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
A large nose is the mark of a witty, courteous, affable, generous and liberal man.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.
Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.
I don't write cheques anymore because I end up signing them "with love, shan rukh"
The only possible conclusion the social sciences can draw is: some do, some don't.
I've never had a humble opinion. If you've got an opinion, why be humble about it?
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.