Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? -Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.
I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.
Yes it's going really well. We are planning on having a baby together.
Ladies who play with fire must remember that smoke gets in their eyes.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Pornography: That which excites, whether from approval or disapproval.
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
A promiscuous person is a person who is getting more sex than you are.
No one can have everything, so you have to try for what you want most.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Human blunders usually do more to shape history than human wickedness.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
He--the country parson--is not witty or learned or eloquent, but holy.
I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men.
Other people are quite dreadful. The only possible society is oneself.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
A person who speaks cleverly is witty; one who asks questions is smart.
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 2
Courtship is to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.
The best thing about humour is that it shows people they are not alone.
Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
I like a girl who's smart, they have to be able to grasp witty sarcasm.
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well. It were done quickly.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.
I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
Remorse presupposes enough self-forgetfulness to feel the pain ofothers.
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.
My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off.
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.
I feel pretty and witty and gay. And I pity any girl who isn't me today.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.
No man is good enough to govern another man without the other's consent.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.