Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
If you like me, raise your hand. If you don't, raise your standards
I want to make a picture about the Russian secret police - the GOP.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sex and religion are closer to each other than either might prefer.
My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
If you wanted nothing done at all, Balfour was the man for the job.
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory.
We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them.
Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
I love Stephen Fry. His tweets are witty, poignant, and intelligent.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings
Courage is very important. Like a muscle, it is strengthened by use.
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Change is not a four letter word...but often your reaction to it is!
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
Count on Jill Shalvis for a witty, steamy, unputdownable love story.
Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure.
Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.
If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' what is the opposite of 'progress'?
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Television has made dictatorship impossible but democracy unbearable.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.
We have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the reservoir.
A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.
My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.
In fact, to gull a fool seems to me an exploit worthy of a witty man.
When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course.
If you ask that question again ma'am, I will have to ask you your age
You can't just be crass without being witty. Angry crass is horrible.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package.
I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.