Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.
Give me the luxuries and I can dispense with the necessities.
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Where is it written that a smart woman can't also be stacked?
Nowadays three witty turns of phrase and a lie make a writer.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
Were kisses all the joys in bed, One woman would another wed.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
The trouble with this business is the dearth of bad pictures.
If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
A business must have a conscience as well as a counting house.
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction.
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.
He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.
My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.
Camels are wonderful animals. Witty, intelligent and sensitive.
I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Ack!" I said. Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that's me.
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker.