Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
A married woman is a slave you must know how to seat upon a throne.
He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul.
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
I have only one ambition left: I should like to have a good epitaph.
I am sarcastic and dry, but I also have a pretty huge zest for life.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls.
The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history.
He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.
He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease.
Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.
Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.
She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled pig.
She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster.
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
Ladies who play with fire must remember that smoke gets in their eyes.
Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.
No one can have everything, so you have to try for what you want most.
Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon.
Science can never solve one problem without raising ten more problems.
Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions.
I never play cricket. It requires one to assume such indecent postures.
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy.
If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
To live as one likes is plebian the noble man aspires to order and law.
It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.
My mother was sarcastic and delightful and, trust me, quite remarkable.