Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I tell a lot of fart and poop jokes. I can't help it. I have no filter, and it just comes out.
I could never make a joke about somebody unless I could say it to their face and they'd laugh.
It's really stupid to defend your own jokes. That is for other people to do if they choose to.
I can't tell a joke to save my soul. It's just not my thing, though I love to listen to jokes.
The best jokes on The Leftovers are the ones that make you feel a little sick to your stomach.
Men love a joke - on the other fellow. But your really humorous woman loves a joke on herself.
Billy (Martin) was a great one for jokes. He liked to play a joke more than anyone I ever knew.
I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.
My friends joke that I’m dead until I get onstage. I’m dead right now as you’re speaking to me.
I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.
I crack jokes all the time. Even when I have a fight, I will make a joke, and people will laugh.
I grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way.
Donald Trump has shown that he will essentially attack individuals, make Second Amendment jokes.
My greatest regret as a writer is that I've never been able to include as many jokes as I'd like.
I'm Irish, so I'm messing all the time. Which means, I'm having a laugh. I'm always making jokes.
Each week, we might write 500 jokes for 'Weekend Update,' and ultimately, we can only do about 10.
I don't do any jokes that old. I might have maybe one or two jokes from high school that I still do.
I suppose every time [something bad happens], I have that instinct to make that joke that distracts.
I guess I'm like Roger Miller who used to say that he didn't have as many jokes as he thought he did.
I can't find someone funny whom I don't like. Hitler told great jokes. I didn't find it funny at all.
I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.
I make a lot of jokes about vegetarians in my act but most of them don't have the strength to protest.
My joke about Aaron Sorkin is that The West Wing was a great show about democracy, run by Kim Jong-Il!
You can't just explain a joke. Either it isn't funny, or the person just totally missed the punchline.
There were many times when I kept silent about being Jewish as I got older, when Jewish jokes were told.
A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'
For the amount of talent I had (and I couldn't dance, act, or tell a joke) I enjoyed a tremendous career.
I joke sometimes that I live a protracted adolescence, that a part of me will always be twelve years old.
I've got foundation jokes, the ones that got me where I am, so everything I do just builds on top of that.
A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.
I like there to be a joke in practically every photo I take. Nobody has the right to make photography boring.
Soon I learned that the worse the puns and jokes, the funnier they could be, if you knew how to deliver them.
A professional writer is a joke. You write because you can't do anything else, and then you have another job.
When you're an older woman [in a movie] you tend to be in - how did you put it? You're the brunt of the joke.
I'm not a standup. I don't really have jokes. I don't have 10 minutes. It took a while for me to realize this.
There's usually nothing in a guy's joke in which we have to understand what's going on in someone else's mind.
This is why Jessica Biel is a successful actress: because, despite the punchlines, you know how to tell a joke.
It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes.
Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
The subconscious doesn't distinguish sarcasm and jokes. It just accepts what it hears. That's the power of words.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
[Elbowing incident] was a joke but what I want to say now is that I'm a bit sad that everyone failed to see that.
Is everything a joke to you?” I asked. He dabbed his tongue to his lip again. “Not everything.” “Like what?” “You.
The funniest jokes you know aren't from comics but relatives, friends - from your life. That's the funniest stuff.
We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
Being nice can be funny. A lot of my jokes are like, 'Let me take a bad situation and try to put the best spin on it.'
I joke that I spent 38 years scouring the globe, going to war zones, trying to find the person with my exact birthday.
Our family dinner table was my first platform - every dinner was all about sharing stories and jokes and points of view.
I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.
I enjoy jokes, smiling, and making people smile. I may be a little different, but that's OK, who wants to be normal anyway?