Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to bury you.
English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.
Italians come to ruin most generally in three ways, women, gambling, and farming. My family chose the slowest one.
A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I'm not going to parse the statement. You've got the statement I made earlier and the statement speaks for itself.
In cross examination, as in fishing, nothing is more ungainly than a fisherman pulled into the water by his catch.
The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.
We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.
I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.
I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
We are dealing with the best-educated generation in history. But they've got a brain dressed up with nowhere to go.
It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.
Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.
In the early years, you fight because you don't understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do.
An absence of antecedents and of relatives is sometimes an aid rather than an impediment to social advancement . . .
[Answering the phone] Hello, this is a recording, you've dialed the right number, now hang up and don't do it again.
We do not rejoice in victories. We rejoice when a new kind of cotton is grown and when strawberries bloom in Israel.
Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.
I love sharing my stories and experiences with people and connecting to them on both a humorous and emotional level.
It's weird that people expect me to be funny. I find it a real burden when I'm expected to be humorous on talk shows.
Because of its vitality, the computing field is always in desperate need of new cliches: Banality soothes our nerves.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
As I get older and write more books I'm definitely allowing the humorous side of my personality more rein in my work.
Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.
You can change your wife, your politics, your religion, but never, never can you change your favourite football team.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.
A fine horse or a beautiful woman, I cannot look at them unmoved, even now when seventy winters have chilled my blood.
How can one better magnify the Almighty than by sniggering with him at his little jokes, particularly the poorer ones?
"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever" he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"
There's an incredible amount of pain involved in being a human, but this humorous stuff is essential in overcoming it.
Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?
Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?
Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
I always say, 'Thank goodness 'Wimpy Kid' was a comedy because my singing in that was more humorous than professional.'
Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.
People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
I would like to be able to admire a man's opinions as I would his dog - without being expected to take it home with me.
Most people I ask little from. I try to give them much, and expect nothing in return and I do very well in the bargain.
Never draw anything you can copy, never copy anything you can trace, never trace anything you can cut out and paste up.
One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.
There's a limit to how many times you can read how great you are and what an inspiration you are, but I'm not there yet.
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress?