Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.
There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Good authors, too, who once knew better words now only use four-letter words writing prose... anything goes.
It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree. It's what you do with your life that counts.
I don't think women's prisons are environments for dance routines, and I don't think mass murder is humorous.
constituted a critical lapse in judgement and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely responsable
England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
I am sure there are many things better than a good cigar, but right now, I can't think of what they might be.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.
This is for all ill-treated fellows Unborn and unbegot, For them to read when they're in trouble And I am not.
I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.
One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it's such a nice change from being young.
I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird.
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour: he will always use it in evidence against you.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.
The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.
Humanism was not invented by man, but by a snake who suggested that the quest for autonomy might be a good idea.
I'm not a robot; I have a personality and I have emotions. I have a humorous side to me and an angry side to me.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Having plead guilty, I do not believe that I am any different than the vast majority of the members of Congress.
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Epitaph on a scolding wife by her husband: Here my poor Bridget's corpse doth lie, she is at rest - and so am I!
I admire that about the Republicans: The evidence does not faze them. They are not bothered at all by the facts.
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
The Americans are extremely gadget minded people and American gadgets have a peculiar characteristic: they work.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.
Reconnecting to the animal means getting to a more sensitive, more artful and more humorous place in the psyche.
Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!
My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.
But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself.
I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.
My advice to the unborn is, don't be born with a gambling instinct unless you have a good sense of probabilities.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.
Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".
$100,000 donors buy access to Congress and the White House. We believe it's long past time to clean up Washington.
Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.