Humorous Quotes - Page 19

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I can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation.

At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

I have my own views about Nature's methods, though I feel that it is rather like a beetle giving his

The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in the right scale of values.

Remember this: The house doesn't beat the player. It just gives him the opportunity to beat himself.

I do not hold that we should rearm in order to fight. I hold that we should rearm in order to parley.

Tel-Aviv airport is still the only airport in the world where each passenger is met by ten relatives.

You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.

This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans.

The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy.

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

Japan is our rival, not our enemy. Japan is a competitor... Bashing a Toyota won't make a better car.

#3 pencils and quadrille pads.(when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer )

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last.

Everywhere in the world, music enhances a hall, with one exception: Carnegie Hall enhances the music.

In Moscow they do not pay much attention to the living but keep their cemeteries in a splendid state.

But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery - go!

They spell it da Vinci and pronounce it da Vinchy. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end.

But I'm saying we are loosing the people who are going to pay my social security. And that bothers me.

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Another good reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

The devil is not, indeed, perfectly humorous, but that is only because he is the extreme of all humor.

Being seventy has its advantages. I was outspoken before, but now what have I got to keep quiet about?

The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service.

Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled.

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

There is, in fact, no law or government at all; and it is wonderful how well things go on without them.

Democrats can't get elected unless things get worse-and things won't get worse unless they get elected.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed. There ain't much credit in that.

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.

Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Nirvana is not the blowing out of the candle. It is the extinguishing of the flame because day is come.

The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint.

Mr. Starr, have you no shame? Facts and law are always subordinated to the will of the American people.

The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle.

If you could see my legs when I take my boots off, you'd form some idea of what unrequited affection is.

The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation.

Unless we take action on climate change, future generations will be roasted, toasted, fried and grilled.

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