Humorous Quotes - Page 18

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Humour is ahead of everything creatively. I think if things aren't humorous, they are just crap.

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me.

Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

When you get asked hundreds of questions, it's not possible to remember the answer to every one.

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell

Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.

I don't laugh that much, but I do like humorous books, and I like to entertain readers that way.

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.

As long as you can savor the humorous aspect of misery and misfortune, you can overcome anything.

Never forget that it is the spirit with which you endow your work that makes it useful or futile.

I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.

Subversive, ethical, ecological, political, humorous ... this is how I see my duty as a designer.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

The most colossal display of wise, inspiring, and humorous metaphors ever exhibited in one place.

The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Manage by objectives. Tell people exactly what you want them to do and then get out of their way.

The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them.

God is indeed dead. He died of self-horror when He saw the creature He had made in His own image.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.

The Japanese are human beings like the rest of us, but they will strongly resent this insinuation.

If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?

Anybody who knows me knows that half the time I'm saying things with a somewhat humorous overtone.

They say that Nero started the fire himself because he needed a suitable backdrop for his concert.

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused.

I decided to stop drinking with creeps. I decided to drink only with friends. I've lost 30 pounds.

...there isn't often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting.

Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.

As expected, you get his machine. Someday, even the "call of nature" will be answered by a machine.

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.

I tend to do stuff that is in some way tongue in cheek or humorous or has a kind of wry side to it.

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?

There are very few things that I have any patience for that are not at least a little bit humorous.

When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk.

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it.

East Germany was so total in its totalitarianism that everything was banned which wasn't compulsory.

A man told me that for a woman, I was very opinionated. I said, 'for a man you're kind of ignorant'.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

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