Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.
The Opera is obviously the first draft of a fine spectacle; it suggests the idea of one.
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is wiser not to stir them.
Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.
All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.
I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)
I really think that effective acting has to do literally with the movement of molecules.
A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.
I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper.
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.
Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life.
Retain a calm heart, sit like a turtle, walk swiftly like a pigeon, and sleep like a dog
The manipulation of statistical formulas is no substitute for knowing what one is doing.
Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.
In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.
A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
If the Wright brother were alive today Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs.
I'm sure I spent more time in Texas than anybody else who had run for President recently.
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.
'I don't say a Zionist must be insane,' said President Weizmann, 'but it helps if he is.'
All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but by God, they frighten me.
I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there if Jesus Christ was President.
Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does.
I have never had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. I've never had an affair with her.
Acting is a masochistic form of exhibitionism. It is not quite the occupation of an adult.
The less experienced a doctor is, the higher are his notions of professional dignity . . .
The court is like a palace of marble; it's composed of people very hard and very polished.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
Each problem that I solved became a rule, which served afterwards to solve other problems.
I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.
As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
The good or ill hap of a good or ill life, is the good or ill choice of a good or ill wife.
I've always had a theory that some of us are born with nerve endings longer than our bodies
In America any boy may become President, and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
The persons hardest to convince that they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime.
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)
Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.
I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror.
I will tell you this: I will not raise taxes on the middle-class to pay for these programs.