Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.
Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
The world is an infinitely fascinating, tragic and humorous place.
The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.
Try not to have a good time... this is supposed to be educational.
You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.
He's gone, and forgot nothing but to say farewell to his creditors
We're wanted men, we'll strike again, but first let's have a beer.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Most of my artwork is geared towards being humorous in some light.
I have a humorous side but these days humour can be a risky thing.
Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""
If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.
The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
Japan is, you often feel, an improved version of the United States.
The thing I miss about Air Force One is they don't lose my luggage.
You're a transsexual fighting with a hermaphrodite over a mistress.
My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
There's an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.
The Americans never walk. In winter too cold and in summer too hot.
You know that old saying. Once you go dead, no one's better in bed.
He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
It is no harm to be an ass, if one is content to bray and not kick.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and likes to see us happy.
Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?
I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger.
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.
Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.
Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
I issued a number of denials to people I thought needed to hear them
I have more ideas than I'll ever be able to write in five lifetimes.
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
A flatterer never seems absurd: The flatter'd always takes his word.
When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another.
We old roosters must be cautious. Don't try to outwit your arteries.
If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.
Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.
We don't have a monopoly. We have market share. There's a difference.
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.