Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop
A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.
It's impossible to ravish me, I'm so willing.
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
When Caesar says, 'Do this', it is performed.
I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
If men have a smell it's usually an accident.
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
Sell your presence and purchase bewilderment.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far.
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
You might want to comment on that, Honorable.
Humorists always sit at the children's table.
No man is greater than his respect for sleep.
All the Padres need is a fly ball in the air.
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
if you make waffles, throw out the first one.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.
I understand small business growth. I was one.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
The next evolutionary step is into the screen.
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.
I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
Colombian humor is very black, very sarcastic.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
New York is not Mecca. It just smells like it.
Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.
Please assure me that you are all Republicans.
A sense of humor is just common sense dancing.
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
A good sense of humor will get you everywhere.
Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.
Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.
Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
I don't see the point of watching men exercise.