Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.
A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.
Good Humor is the best shield against the darts of satirical raillery
I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is correct.
And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.
All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.
I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions.
I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.
My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.
I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!
I should have no compassion on these witches; I should burn them all.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
When everything is coming your way, youre probably in the wrong lane.
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.
Mike Caldwell, the Padres' right-handed southpaw, will pitch tonight.
I like humor: the sort of gentle humor that points out human foibles.
A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'
If the East Timorians decide to revolt, Im sure Ill have a statement.
Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicine as we used to know it.
Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.
What we've discovered is that Americans seem to love our saucy humor.
A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself.
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.
'I will not stand for being called a woman in my own house' she said.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.
I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.
Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"
If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' what is the opposite of 'progress'?
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.
My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.
It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature.
For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Never trust a man with short legs. His brains are too near his bottom.