Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.
Seeing is believing to most families who have lived with a drinker.
Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.
Humility is one of the most repulsive virtues, nearly always false.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!
I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.
The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.
If you wish to avoid seeing a fool, you must first break your mirror
If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.
I don't know about Willie Davis. He's not as young as he used to be.
Good humor is one of the preservatives of our peace and tranquility.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
musicians rarely have a sense of humour, at least, about themselves.
One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery.
In good times, people want to advertise; in bad times, they have to.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.
My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.
I confirmed to the prime minister that we appreciate our friendship.
A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
It is a difficult thing to like anybody else's ideas of being funny.
I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.
I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Above all things, and at all times, practice yourself in good humor.
About 14 percent of our nation's civilian workforce is foreign-born.
Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.
Self-deprecating humor and brutal honesty is a really freeing thing.
Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.
That's what kept us going - a sense of absurdity, rather than humor.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
With Ricky Gervais, it's all shades of wrong, it's my kind of humor.
Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.
That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.
I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.
People will admit to arson and mayhem sooner than no sense of humor.