Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Many come to bring their clothes to church rather than themselves.
The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.
Comedy is so hard to do, so it was very cool to do dead pan humor.
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
There's humor in everything. There's gotta be humor in everything.
Hope for the best, survive the worst, find humor wherever you can.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God??
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"
Reality is a unified whole, but thought cuts it up into fragments.
If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?
You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
[W]ithout humour you cannot run a sweetie-shop, let alone a nation.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
Billy Almon has all of his in-laws and outlaws here this afternoon.
I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.
You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Faith crosses every border and touches every heart in every nation.
A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.
If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.
That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her.
Have you heard his new song? 'Cause he thinks he's a black man now.
Laws are not masters but servants, and he rules them who obey them.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.
When a chick has a sense of humor, there's nothing more attractive.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
There's a hard shot to LeMaster, he throws Madlock into the dugout.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Advertisers also know that humor can help bond us to their product.
If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.
And ah for a man to arise in me, That the man I am may cease to be!
I feel much freer now that I am certain the pope is the Antichrist.
Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Surprise is not humor. I think that there can be a fine line there.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.
The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.