Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Forever is a very long time, especially the bit towards the end.
It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.
Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Throughout history, great leaders have known the power of humor.
Humility is like underwear; essential, but indecent if it shows.
A bore is a person who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.
Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.
Those amateur umpires are certainly flexing their fangs tonight.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
If you have to be in a soap opera try not to get the worst role.
Humor is the shock absorber of life; it helps us take the blows.
If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
What we're doing is fun - if you have any sense of humor at all!
Don't write about what you don't know even if you don't know it.
The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.
The secret to success is to subjugate your ego and serve others.
Comedy, we may say, is society protecting itself - with a smile.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours.
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!
I'm a sarcastic person, and people don't get my humor sometimes.
One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?
No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
The more developed your abs, the less time you've spent reading.
There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
I don't know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens.
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.
Zane Smith is a guy who can shut you out as well as look at you.
We have always had gross humor. But we try for funny, not gross.
A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.
The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions.
The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.
I make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes.
Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
A joke isn't yours. It's used and you don't know where it's been.
Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.
Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.
Whether planned or not, humor takes our mind off of our troubles.