Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Those numbers with Tony are so often and so interesting.
I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.
I do not have a sense of humor of any recognizable sort.
This is a feminist bookstore. There is no humor section.
You subscribe politics to it. I subscribe freedom to it.
You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I think that humor is part of what saves us from despair.
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a train.
Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.
Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Seems like the light at the end of the tunnel may be you.
I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!
Every rascal is not a thief, but every thief is a rascal.
It's one thing about insurance, that's a Washington term.
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
Humor hardens the heart, at least to the point of sanity.
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.
It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.
The best work never was and never will be done for money.
I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
There is a foolish corner in the brain of the wisest man.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.
Humor and seriousness are not in opposition to each other.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.
I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
Confound these ancestors... They've stolen our best ideas!
People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?