Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
You can't just go gay, its not like buying a ladder.
If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.
I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.
Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.
The president of General Motors was in a foul humor.
English is my second language. Laughter is my first.
That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop.
Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.
Children are often the silent victims of drug abuse.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.
It takes all sorts of people to make the underworld.
I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day!
I suppose I miss the British cynicism and the humor.
Turner was like a pencil. He bent around that pitch!
When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.
I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.
The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
For my next trick I will make everyone understand me.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.
It's my first trip as president of the United States.
A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
Even though the ball was doubled, they got it anyway.
Can't living with the bill means it won't become law.
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away.
American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
Great marketing only makes a bad product fail faster.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Laughter ispleasant, butthe exertion istoomuchfor me.
He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
History repeats itself. Historians repeat each other.
Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.
National League umpires wear inside chest protesters.
The duty of comedy is to correct men by amusing them.
My sense of humor lies a little closer to the middle.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Be bold in your caring, and be bold in your dreaming.
Tony Gwynn, the fat batter behind Finley, is waiting.
God is at home, it's we who have gone out for a walk.
There is nothing safe about sex. There never will be.
Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
Don't let your mind stop you from having a good time.
The Padres are really swinging some hot hats tonight!