Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.
She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.
You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.
Take yourself seriously but take yourself lightly.
I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.
No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.
Ozzie Smith is out there roaming around like glass.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
A farce, or slapstick humor, does well universally.
It is a very dangerous thing to know one’s friends.
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
Good painter imitates nature, bad ones spews it up.
Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
over 85% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Satire is moral outrage transformed into comic art.
All men would still really like to own a train set.
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.
I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.
This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.
Don't be intimidated by my outfit, it's Forever 21.
I'm in favor of it as long as it's multiple choice.
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
You can't be funny if you don't have good material.
My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.
The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.
I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans.
And it's a long drive down the line to centerfield.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.
A race track is a place where windows clean people.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
A fox should not be on the jury at a goose's trial.
There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
I realized women and humor were linked very closely.
Humor is such a strong weapon, such a strong answer.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.
Humor is the ability to see three sides to one coin.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.