My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!

I guess I'm not a professional's professional. I think I'd rather go to the dentist than play a practice round.

Fairway: a narrow strip of mown grass that separates two groups of golfers looking for lost balls in the rough.

If you think your hands are more important in your golf swing than your legs, try walking a hole on your hands.

I've seen some good friends playing mini-tour golf, and they just don't seem as happy as I am playing the game.

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.

Don't worry about your caddie. He may be an irritating little wretch, but for eighteen holes he is your caddie.

Golf puts a man's character on the anvil and his richest qualities - patience, poise, restraint - to the flame.

To be truthful, I think golfers are overpaid. It's unreal, and I have trouble dealing with the guilt sometimes.

Golf is like 99.9 percent of my life, and then there's school. I don't get much time to go out with my friends.

It should almost be a prerequisite to play Castle Stuart before you're allowed to design golf courses nowadays.

One minute you're bleeding. The next minute you're hemorrhaging. The next minute you're painting the Mona Lisa.

What separates great players from the good ones is not so much ability as brain power and emotional equilibrium.

We like to hunt and golf and drive around lost, and scratch and spit, and a whole lot of other disgusting stuff.

Putting is a fascinating, aggravating, wonderful, terrible and almost incomprehensible part of the game of golf.

I don't have a life, I really don't. I'm as close to a nun as you can be without the little hat. I'm a golf nun.

There are three things in the world that he held in the smallest esteem - slugs, poets and caddies with hiccups.

You are meant to play the ball as it lies, a fact that may help to touch on your own objective approach to life.

Foursomes have left the first tee there and have never been seen again. They just find their shoelaces and bags.

Golf is a very serious part of my life, but when you stop having fun at it, that's when it's time to hang it up.

The real driver of my golf game is family. The family that plays together stays together, at least literally so.

Golfers find it a very trying matter to turn at the waist, more particularly if they have a lot of waist to turn

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.

The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green.

Golf is the only game in which a precise knowledge of the rules can earn one a reputation for bad sportsmanship.

Always keep in mind that if God didn't want a man to have mulligans, golf balls wouldn't come three to a sleeve.

I just think the game of golf teaches you so much about yourself like who you really are and what you're made of.

Some of us are fortunate enough to play championship golf, but this isn't essential in the enjoyment of the game.

You can't take up golf on a whim and find yourself competing against Tiger Woods in the Masters six months later.

I've been into golf, trying to get into the gym to stay somewhat fit. I've got two boys now, they're active kids.

The greatest thing about golf, there's no end to it unless you're dead. You just go from here to the Senior Tour.

I am against making golf courses obsolete, going to the national Open and playing half the holes with a one-iron.

I don't play golf or tennis, I don't ski, I don't snowboard. If you love what you do, you never get enough of it.

Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.

There's kind of an unwritten rule, Don't call your captain out at a Ryder Cup, win, loss or draw, you just don't.

There is no better game in the world when you are in good company, and no worse game when you are in bad company.

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'

Look within, for within is the wellspring of virtue, which will not cease flowing, if you cease not from digging.

In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball.

When I putt, my emotions collide like tectonic plates. It's left my memory circuits full of scars that won't heal.

Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive.

The best putting advice I ever received was make sure you concentrate real hard on keeping that darn ball real low

I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to bury you.

I love the house that I've been living in for over 40 years. I really am a homebody and I still love to play golf.

I've seen lifelong friends drift apart over golf just because one could play better, but the other counted better.

Golf is a game you can never get too good at. You can improve, but you can never get to where you master the game.

I like travelers, but I don't like tourists. The difference is that travelers don't shop and they don't play golf.

I understand why marriages break up over golf. I can't even talk about my own handicap because it's too upsetting.

I started watching golf for the first time yesterday. I`m really worried about myself. I was actually enjoying it.

I always said you have to be really smart or really dumb to play this game well. I just don't know where I fit in.

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