Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend.
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
I had explained that a woman's asking for equality in the church would be comparable to a black person's demanding equality in the Ku Klux Klan
We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next door neighbour.
I thought I should go to New York because it was the place to go to study. I went and tried to get an application from the Juilliard School but they wouldn't even give me one because I didn't have my high school graduation.
The knowledge of languages was very useful. I have a university degree in foreign languages and literature.
You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.
When you see a good person, think of becoming like her/him. When you see someone not so good, reflect on your own weak points.
'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director - who were just fun.
It is an inconvenience, being located in a city where taxes are ludicrously high, where you pay twice your annual income to rent an apartment that could easily be carried on a commercial airline flight.
In New York we have streets exploding and innocent Buddhist girls being stabbed in the neck and cabdrivers refusing to help her. If we happen into a nightclub by mistake, when we leave the doorman will be lying in the street surrounded by police.
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Here's a guy who when he runs, he moves faster.
The young, free to act on their initiative, can lead their elders in the direction of the unknown... The children, the young, must ask the questions that we would never think to ask, but enough trust must be re-established so that the elders will be permitted to work with them on the answers.
I wouldn't be the best offensive player if I didn't have a great setter. She serves me up nectar.
Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. That's how bad they make it sound. They're like, 'It was the worst day of my life. We didn't board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.' Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?'
It's Friday and I'm ready to swing. Pick up my girls and hit the party scene.
Be excellent and party on dudes.
That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?
Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.
Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.
I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.
To say that obesity is caused by merely consuming too many calories is like saying that the only cause of the American Revolution was the Boston Tea Party.
Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.
When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.
When an Italian tells me it's pasta on the plate, I check under the sauce to make sure.
Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour.
So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three.
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.
I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
To die for an idea is to set a rather high price upon conjecture.
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
Aping what you've already done is just so dangerous and unrewarding.
I am a deeply superficial person.
The field of consciousness is tiny. It accepts only one problem at a time.
Humor is... despair refusing to take itself seriously.
On the way up here to the podium, a gentleman came up to me and said, "Governor, you are as good a politician as you were an actor." What a cheap shot.
How can I lose to such an idiot?
Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world.
The history of the relationship between comedy and swimming is short indeed. Of course it is always funny when someone falls into water, but that's about it.
People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig.
When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken.
The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.
What I mean by that is that the point of life, as I see it, is not to write books or scale mountains or sail oceans, but to achieve happiness, and preferably an unselfish happiness.
I hate storms, but calms undermine my spirits.
I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.
I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.
There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.
Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.
There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.
It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.
I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.
Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."
Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.
There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
Behind every good decathlete, there's a good doctor.
Age is of no importance unless you are a cheese.
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.
Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.
And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.
Sugar Ray Leonard's retirements last about as long as Elizabeth Taylor's marriages.
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.
All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.
The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.
Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed.
Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
At present there are such goings-on that everything is at a standstill.
That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop.
Every minute you spend in planning saves 10 minutes in execution; this gives you a 1,000 percent Return on Energy!
It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be.
The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.
Did you write the words, or the lyrics?
The margin of error in astrology is plus or minus one hundred percent.
The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.
The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'
Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.
Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.