Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Free your mind and your ass will follow
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
Sincerity is the way of heaven.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next door neighbour.
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
Most of all the other beautiful things in life come by twos and threes, by dozens and hundreds. Plenty of roses, stars, sunsets, rainbows, brothers, and sisters, aunts and cousins, but only one mother in the whole world.
It was only when I finished the course and left my graduation diploma on the bus that I realized I'd become an actor.
For students today, only 10 percent of children from working-class families graduate from college by the age of 24 as compared to 58 percent of upper-middle-class and wealthy families.
Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
When I hear a great musician, I can feel his life inside the music.
It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.
Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time by perspiring freely until the train storms in, colorfully decorated, as is the tradition in New York, with the spray-painted initials of all the people it has run over.
You don't have to deserve your mother's love. You have to deserve your father s. He's more particular. The father is always a Republican towards his son, and his mother's always a Democrat.
You see much more of your children once they leave home.
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'
I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.
Well-behaved women seldom make history.
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
We're a team, and just by the nature of our sport, we're always promoted together. I think we are definitely two different people with two different personalities, but we're always linked.
I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!"
All the best stories in the world are but one story in reality - the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times, how to escape.
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.
It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.
Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour.
Nothing comes sailing by itself.
Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show.
I think a lot of times we don't pay enough attention to people with a positive attitude because we assume they are naive or stupid or unschooled.
Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.
I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.
When you leave college, there are thousands of people out there with the same degree you have; when you get a job, there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you are the only person alive who has sole custody of your life.
Lost time is like a run in a stocking. It always gets worse.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.
I went to school, majored in theatre, and said 'Mom, I have to choose my own destiny. I want to be an actor.' A couple of weeks after I graduated college I called my mother up and said 'Can I borrow $200?' and she said 'Why don't you act like you've got $200.'
I keep sailing on in this middle passage. I am sailing into the wind and the dark. But I am doing my best to keep my boat steady and my sails full.
Journalists are like dogs, when ever anything moves they begin to bark.
People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I’m 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know?
As for our majority... one is enough.
My size has helped make me an amazing performer too. The cliche of the Funny Fat Friend: I absolutely was that character - I am that character... It's a complicated bag of tools I acquired, and I've put them all to work onstage.
People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'
Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.
Nostalgia: How long's that been around?
Thank God for Darwin, eh?
I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!
Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
The real problem you get with humour is that you only have so many kinds of jokes within you, and you mine that vein a lot. This isn't just common to me; it's anybody who's funny.
I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.
It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.
This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.
There are people who don't like capitalism, and people who don't like PCs. But there's no-one who likes the PC who doesn't like Microsoft.
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
I'm a nut, but not just a nut.
If you're not sure what to do with the ball, just pop it in the net and we'll discuss your options afterwards.
Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink, and wear as good as they used to be.
They think they can make fuel from horse manure - now, I don't know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.
And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.
When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.
England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.
Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers.
And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them. We didn't know that in America after the war, you wouldn't be able to get into a sushi joint without a reservation. And we thought they lost.
She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.
I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.
The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
What do gardeners do when they retire?
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings.
You could be adding gasoline to a roaring fire. We understand that. But this is who we are.
Life is too short to do the things you don't love doing.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.
Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.
My advice to any diplomat who wants to have good press is to have two or three kids and a dog.
The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'
They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?
That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.
The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton.
She appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart.