Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The difference between screwing around and science is writing it down.
School is where you go between when your parents can't take you and industry can't take you.
I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
If you would be wealthy, think of saving as well as getting.
Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
There are only two places in the world where time takes precedence over the job to be done. School and prison.
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.
RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.
On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed.
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.
Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."
And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.
The defense should be expecting a run or a pass here.
More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you've been bad and good.
It's important to just kind of get away from your sport until you miss it. It's about taking time to enjoy other aspects of life or learn new things. It helps rejuvenate.
Volleyball, I could be pretty good. After a few practices I could be that striker, or whatever they call it.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on a woman.
A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.
The impulse to travel is one of the hopeful symptoms of life.
Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
Therapy can be a good thing; it can be therapeutic.
Puns are the highest form of literature.
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
In Hollywood if you are not working, you are a leper. True, you are probably living in the most expensive leper colony in the world.
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!
Of course drugs were fun. And that's what's so stupid about anti-drug campaigns; they don't admit that. I can't say I feel particularly scarred or lessened by my experimentation with drugs. They've gotten a very bad name.
I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.
I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.
The stupider the peasant, the better the horse understands him.
Out of a hundred years a few minutes were made that stayed with me, not a hundred years.
He has only half learned the art of reading who has not added to it the more refined art of skipping and skimming.
The history of the relationship between comedy and swimming is short indeed. Of course it is always funny when someone falls into water, but that's about it.
People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
In your heart you know he's right.
Everyone likes flattery; and when you come to Royalty you should lay it on with a trowel.
The discovery of a wine is of greater moment than the discovery of a constellation. The universe is too full of stars.
The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.
We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.
I hate storms, but calms undermine my spirits.
There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.
I never know how much of what I say is true.
Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'
This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."
I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!
A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."
My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.
I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."
When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions
Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there.
You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.
Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink, and wear as good as they used to be.
There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do.
It's all right leaping about the stage when you're 20 but when you get to 25 it gets a bit embarrassing
The funny thing about me that most people never really understand is that, at heart, I'm really a jock.
Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.
In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool.
Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.
Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.
America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.
Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.
There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.
Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?
Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.
The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.
My folks were English . . . we were too poor to be British.
In England when you make a movie even the weather is against you. In Hollywood the weatherman gets a shooting schedule from all the major studios and then figures out where he can fit in a little rain without upsetting Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer too much.
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
I despise the Lottery. There's less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit on the head by a passing asteroid.
Music has been my playmate, my lover, and my crying towel.
The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.
Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
In democracy both a deep reverence and a sense of the comic are requisite.
You have to master not only the art of listening to your head, you must also master listening to your heart and listening to your gut.
Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.
They say you can't do it, but sometimes it doesn't always work.
I don't mess with that cat. I'm pretty sure he carries a blade under his jersey.
Out of sight of land the sailor feels safe. It is the beach that worries him.
Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people.
It is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their passions.
Think! I've got enough to do, and little enough to get for it, without thinking.
