Top 100 Funny Quotes

1

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

2

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

3

In the long run we are all dead.

4

College athletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.

5

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.

6

I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning.

7

Traveling is like flirting with life. It's like saying, 'I would stay and love you, but I have to go; this is my station.

8

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.

9

The ability to play the clarinet is the ability to overcome the imperfections of the instrument. There's no such thing as a perfect clarinet, never was and never will be.

10

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

11

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

I want to go ahead of Father Time with a scythe of my own.12

I want to go ahead of Father Time with a scythe of my own.

13

[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this.

14

On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed.

15

The goal is to win. It's not about making money. I have many much less risky ways of making money than this (buying Chelsea football club). I don't want to throw my money away, but it's really about having fun and that means success and trophies.

Baloney is flattery laid on so thick it cannot be true, and blarney ...16

Baloney is flattery laid on so thick it cannot be true, and blarney is flattery so thin we love it.

17

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

18

Sunshine is my quest.

19

As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'

20

America is a land where men govern, but women rule.

21

Ignorance of the law excuses no man from practicing it.

22

People never ask people doing serious music, 'Do you ever think about doing funny music?'

23

When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.

24

The first law of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts

25

Everything you add to the truth subtracts from the truth.

26

When the ax came into the forest the trees said the handle is one of us.

27

The whole city gives you the impression of impermanence. You have the feeling that one day someone is going to yell, "Cut! Strike it!" and then the stagehands will scurry out and remove the mountains, the movie-star homes, the Hollywood Bowl--everything.

28

Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

29

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

30

Happiness should always remain a bit incomplete. After all, dreams are boundless.

31

I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

32

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

33

One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.

34

Flight Reservation Systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information isn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go anywhere.

35

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter.

36

It's not because John McCain doesn't care. It's because John McCain doesn't get it.

37

I'm so overexposed, I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse.

38

Now, because he knows that his economic theories don't work, he's been spending these last few days calling me every name in the book. Lately he's called me a socialist for wanting to roll-back the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans so we can finally give tax relief to the middle class. I don't know what's next. By the end of the week he'll be accusing me of being a secret communist because I shared my toys in kindergarten. I shared my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

39

Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development.

40

Last night I didn't realize I said "abortion" in my stand up comedy act instead of "circumcision." No wonder I got blank stares at "rabbi got faint at sight of blood."

41

Everyone likes flattery; and when you come to Royalty you should lay it on with a trowel.

42

Necessity knows no law; I know some attorneys of the same.

43

A penny saved is a penny earned.

44

In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead.

45

Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it.

46

We are told that Sin consists in acting contrary to God's commands, but we are also told that God is omnipotent. If He is, nothing contrary to His will can occur; therefore when the sinner disobeys His commands, He must have intended this to happen.

47

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

48

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

49

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently.

50

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

51

Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!"

52

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?

53

I did not want to turn to playing golf because golf is about as much exercise as shuffling cards.

54

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

55

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

56

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

57

I spend a lot of time reading.

58

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

59

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

60

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?

61

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

62

I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.

63

I own and operate a ferocious ego.

64

Tracy McGrady is doing things we've never seen from anybody - from any planet!

65

There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do.

66

Reality continues to ruin my life.

67

It's all right leaping about the stage when you're 20 but when you get to 25 it gets a bit embarrassing

68

I just plug in and let go.

69

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

70

The Devil made me do it the first time - the second time I done it on my own

71

It's funny how the hippies and the punks tried to get rid of the conservatives, but they always seem to get the upper hand in the end.

72

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

73

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.

74

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

75

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

76

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.

77

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.

78

You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you're turning the pages.

79

The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE - and a maid to press it for me.

80

The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.

81

Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.

82

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

83

Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one.

84

The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.

85

Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed.

86

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

87

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

88

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

89

Sure the body count in this movie bothers me, but what are you gonna do? It's what everybody likes. At least it's not an awful body count - it's a fun body count.

90

At present there are such goings-on that everything is at a standstill.

91

Dad, one of my first memories is of sharing my worry with you about the space shuttle poking holes in the atmosphere and letting out all of Earth's air.

92

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.

93

I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge."

94

I think the most horrible name for a crime has to be manslaughter. ... "I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!"

95

The only church that illuminates is a burning church.

96

Music has been my playmate, my lover, and my crying towel.

97

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

98

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.

99

Television: The word is half Greek, half Latin. No good can come of it.

100

Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.

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