Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.
Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?
Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
Thomas Jefferson once said. He said , "We should never judge a President by his age, only by his works." And ever since he told me that, I've stopped worrying. There are those who say I've stopped working.
Just because the kid's cute, doesn't mean you're not the father.
Human beings are like tea-bags. You don't know your own strength until you get into hot water.
When you are down and out something always turns up - and it is usually the noses of your friends.
It is a very dangerous thing to know one’s friends.
I took three years off. I differentiated myself from the industry. Found my identity - sort of... I haven't graduated yet. I'm not legitimately educated yet, but maybe one day.
Heaven means to be one with God.
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
I wish I could get all the discourteous drivers on a ship and sail them away and make sure it's a really horrible, wavy journey and when they get to where they're going, keep them there.
'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director - who were just fun.
At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.'
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Matt and I have set a date. Matt and I will tie the knot New Years Day in the town of Swampscott, Massachusetts. Reserve your hotel rooms now. I will be having a gay marriage.
After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't."
Good things come to those who wait.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
We have a problem. 'Congratulations.' But it's a tough problem. 'Then double congratulations.'
My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.
A man with a hump-backed uncle mustn't make fun of another man's cross-eyed aunt
My dream was to be either a volleyball player or a veterinarian.
If you are not prepared, you cannot work out intensely. If you do not perform, you cannot get results, and if you can't do your best to recover, you won't get the benefits of your hard work.
Adversity, if you allow it to, will fortify you and make you the best you can be.
Fortune, seeing that she could not make fools wise, has made them lucky.
People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. That's how bad they make it sound. They're like, 'It was the worst day of my life. We didn't board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.' Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?'
My Dear McClellan, if you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully.
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'
Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.
The easiest time to be funny is during a fairly serious situation. That way, you can break the ice. It's crazy, but even at funerals, people will get huge laughs.
People never ask people doing serious music, 'Do you ever think about doing funny music?'
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.
The difficulty about all this dying, is that you can't tell a fellow anything about it, so where does the fun come in?
In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.
The books that everybody admires are those that nobody reads.
I am beautiful, famous and gorgeous.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
Ladies Commit, There's A Wedding In It For You.
Condoms should be marked in 3 sizes: jumbo, colossal and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small.
Shut the door, Wales.
Do I like being thought of as attractive? I don't know anyone on Earth who doesn't, but I do find it funny.
The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible.
Cats always seem so very wise, when staring with their half-closed eyes. Can they be thinking, I'll be nice, and maybe she will feed me twice?
Acting is easier and smoother than singing - it's less drama.
Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.
Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.
I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.
Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.
Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.
I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.
I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do.
People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist... how do we fix Africa?'
And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.
Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.
My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.
Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one.
My folks were English . . . we were too poor to be British.
Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch and one on the throttle.
I despise the Lottery. There's less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit on the head by a passing asteroid.
Where the hell is Australia anyway?
Life is too short to do the things you don't love doing.
Put every great teacher in a room, and they'd agree about everything, but put their disciples in there and they'd argue about everything.
When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.
The margin of error in astrology is plus or minus one hundred percent.
I've been noticing gravity since I was very young.
Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.
I think I'm the most underrated superstar that's out there, but that doesn't matter to me.
Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.
To have your niece die in your arms is the greatest gift from god.
I went to the worst of bars hoping to get killed but all I could do was to get drunk again.
Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.
You may be sure that the Americans will commit all the stupidities they can think of, plus some that are beyond imagination.
It is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their passions.
He appeared to enjoy beyond everything the sound of his own voice. I couldn't wonder at that, for it was mellow and full and gave great importance to every word he uttered. He listened to himself with obvious satisfaction and sometimes gently beat time to his own music with his head or rounded a sentence with his hand.
Some medical beast had revived tar-water in those days as a fine medicine, and Mrs. Joe always kept a supply of it in the cupboard; having a belief in its virtues correspondent to its nastiness. At the best of times, so much of this elixir was administered to me as a choice restorative, that I was conscious of going about, smelling like a new fence.
The nephew revenges himself for this, by holding his breath and terrifying his kinswoman with the dread belief that he has made up his mind to burst. Regardless of whispers and shakes, he swells and becomes discoloured, and yet again swells and becomes discoloured, until the aunt can bear it no longer, but leads him out, with no visible neck, and with his eyes going before him like a prawn's.
"Ah, Miss, hope is an excellent thing for such as has the spirits to bear it!" said Mrs Wickam, shaking her head. "My own spirits is not equal to it, but I don't owe it any grudge. I envys them that is so blest!"