Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
God is at home, it's we who have gone out for a walk.
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
If I ever wear a Chelsea shirt, you have permission to kill me.
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink - under any circumstances.
Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject.
Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
I like friends as I like music - when I am in the mood.
I took three years off. I differentiated myself from the industry. Found my identity - sort of... I haven't graduated yet. I'm not legitimately educated yet, but maybe one day.
Is man one of God's blunders? Or is God one of man's blunders?
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.
You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.
Traveling is like flirting with life. It's like saying, 'I would stay and love you, but I have to go; this is my station.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Marriage, a market which has nothing free but the entrance.
I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have never been discovered.
I can think of a number of areas in New York where three acres of nuclear waste would make the neighborhood safer to walk around in than it is now, and better lit.
In Manhattan, marriage is a trend. Couples kiss over their arugula and radicchio salads. They fondle each other's genitals while devouring their pasta puttanesca. By the time the tiramisu arrives, they've slid under the table.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Three minutes thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.
What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!
To say that obesity is caused by merely consuming too many calories is like saying that the only cause of the American Revolution was the Boston Tea Party.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
I’m not like most designers, who have to set sail on an exotic getaway to get inspired. Most of the time, it’s on my walk to work, or sitting in the subway and seeing something random or out of context.
Seeing you lights up my day, to hear your voice makes me smile all cheesy, to see you smile makes my heart all warm and fuzzy, when you say I love you makes my body weak.
What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.
Truth - An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.
I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
To die for an idea is to set a rather high price upon conjecture.
When fate hands us a lemon, let's try to make lemonade.
An unsophisticated forecaster uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than for illumination.
The Internet is for haters. Everyone wants to knock somebody down, but it's cool.
I am beautiful, famous and gorgeous.
I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I'm annoying, and a phony.
We only need to wear shoes because the British built roads which hurt our feet.
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
If you cry ''Forward'' you must be sure to make clear the direction in which to go. Don't you see that if you fail to do that and simply call out the word to a monk and a revolutionary, they will go in precisely opposite directions?
Out of a hundred years a few minutes were made that stayed with me, not a hundred years.
Basketball has so much showboating you'd think it was invented by Jerome Kern.
The reason why Absurdist plays take place in No Man's Land with only two characters is primarily financial.
The notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pauses between the notes - ah, that is where the art resides.
I’m 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know?
We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.
There is no need to worry about mere size. We do not necessarily respect a fat man more than a thin man. Sir Isaac Newton was very much smaller than a hippopotamus, but we do not on that account value him less.
From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it.
I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.
Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'
The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"
I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.
I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'
Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"
The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I'm in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can't seem to come up with anything new that's funny. That's a tough place to be as a comedian.
Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."
That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.
Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink, and wear as good as they used to be.
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!
I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.
In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end.
Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned.
All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.
Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.
Yesterday I was lying, today I am telling the truth.
The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.
England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.
English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.
There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.
Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?
I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.
Dad, one of my first memories is of sharing my worry with you about the space shuttle poking holes in the atmosphere and letting out all of Earth's air.
I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.
How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today."
I think the most horrible name for a crime has to be manslaughter. ... "I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!"
The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
Did you write the words, or the lyrics?
Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
In democracy both a deep reverence and a sense of the comic are requisite.
