Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When I was a kid, my mom used to run the vacuum cleaner, and the noise would bother me so much that I would run into the woods to calm down. I feel like that vacuum cleaner has been on since I moved to New York City.
People destroy relationships because they force unnecessary issues instead of letting it grow naturally and organically. Once somebody feels trapped or forced into something it's only a matter of time before they run.
The vast majority of the population seems to look down their noses upon self-reliance as some quaint dusty relic, entertained only by the hyperparanoid or those hopelessly incapable of fitting into mainstream society.
The Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does.
During his weekly address to the nation, President Obama discussed higher education and said, 'The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge.' Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it, 'No it's not.'
The TSA's airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop.
Many people are noting the difference between Hillary Clinton's friendly public appearances and her blunt and direct Twitter account. Yeah, she's nice in person, and mean on the Internet. You know, kinda like EVERYONE.
Jim Gilmore was the only GOP candidate not invited to the Republican debates tonight, but I saw that he actually planned to live-tweet it. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like 'Can I do that? I don't want to be here!'
A group called Draft Biden 2016 has started selling bumper stickers that say 'I'm ridin' with Biden.' It's a lot better than the other one that women around the White House have started using - 'I'm hidin' from Biden.'
John McCain addressed critics who believe he will be too old to run for a sixth term in the Senate, saying that he's still healthy and ready to go. Then people around McCain said, 'Why is he talking to that mannequin?'
We go through, I think, six different drafts of each script. And then my shooting it is roughly, you know, fifteen percent of the total work that gets done on a show. Then it's all post-production animation after that.
Demanding that all of us presume every defendant innocent outside of a courtroom is to demand that we stop evaluating facts, thereby suffocating independent thought and opinion. There is nothing 'reasonable' about that.
In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming election. He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, 'Hillary's going to do great.'
Department store Santas are apparently being trained to lower children's expectations about toys because of the recession. Yeah, it's weird when you ask Santa for a train set and he's like, 'Yeah, how 'bout a bus token?
I'm not supposed to talk about the snail. The snail is, well, congratulations to whoever noticed it. It's supposed to be a thing where you gotta look for it in every episode, and it's there three times in every episode.
The White House announced that President Obama will attend a summit in Kenya this July. When asked if he's ever been to Kenya, Obama said, 'Of course. I was born - no, bored - over there. There's nothing to do in Kenya.'
In a speech in South Carolina, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham's personal cellphone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call.
Here we go again. Pandering to the .3 percent of the American population that consider themselves transgender. Now I get to explain this to my 8-year-old, if I just wanted to watch a nice family show with some nice music.
I never expected to be the face of sexual harassment. But I never give up on anything. So when placed in a new, challenging situation, it's like, 'I'm going to give this 110% because that's what I've done my entire life.'
Hillary Clinton wrote an Op-Ed for a paper in Iowa about her plans to help the middle class. Middle-class Americans said, 'Why didn't you just say that in a speech?' and she said, 'Because I charge $200,000 for a speech.'
I studiously avoid the darkest places of the Internet. Sometimes you can't avoid it because you're doing a legitimate news search and something pops up, but I don't breathe that stuff in because I think it's a carcinogen.
In our society, people look at women who are tenacious, smart, attractive, and talented and for whatever reason say, 'There must be something wrong with that equation. She couldn't possibly be all of those things at once.'
Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there's any justice, the minute they're done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that's not compatible with their machinery.
After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham's cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he's getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey Graham's latest campaign slogan, 'New phone, who dis?'
During a recent press conference, former President Jimmy Carter said he could never run for president today because he doesn't have a lot of money. Well, that and the fact that he's the famously bad president Jimmy Carter.
Yesterday, the Supreme Court spent over an hour listening to arguments on whether Obamacare is unconstitutional. Yeah, listening to arguments about Obamacare for an hour, or as most people call that, 'Thanksgiving Dinner.'
If you're falling in love with several people, it's really important to not just continue coasting in the relationships and start taking big steps towards permanence, especially before you're going to meet someone's family.
The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics. It's just that they can't accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag.
When Bernie Sanders was announcing that he was going to be a candidate for the nomination of the Democratic Party in Burlington, Vermont, I was the only cable host between FOX, MSNBC, and CNN that was there to cover it live.
A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you.
As gas prices continue to drop, 28 states are now selling regular gasoline for less than $2 a gallon. It's getting cheaper to pump two gallons of gas outside the station than it is to pump two squirts of nacho cheese inside.
Today, President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.
Director Ken Burns revealed that his next documentary is about Franklin Roosevelt, and it's fourteen hours long...which sounds like too much, until you realize there's been over thirty hours of TV dedicated to Honey Boo Boo.
Over the weekend it came out that the U.S. has been listening in on German Chancellor Angela Merkel's cellphone since 2002. At this point, I feel like the only world leader our government DOESN'T listen to is President Obama.
The U.S. is re-establishing relations with Cuba. But before President Obama can lift the embargo, it will need approval from the Republican-controlled Congress - or as Republicans who called Obama said, 'Close, but no cigar.'
During a recent interview, President Obama revealed that his favorite movie this year was 'Boyhood.' It makes sense. If there's one thing Obama can identify with, it's aging several years over the course of a couple of hours.
In a speech in Texas, Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton 'easily the worst Secretary of State in the history of our country.' When asked what he based that on, Trump said, 'I heard ME say it just now. So it's gotta be true.'
In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump's campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just quote, 'fired up the crazies.' Not to be confused with Trump's show 'Celebrity Apprentice,' where he just FIRED the crazies.
I remember watching Soulja Boy on YouTube over and over again to prepare for it. For the first one, I was up all night in my kitchen, practicing the dance, because I knew I had to dance with Timberlake and that guy can dance.
I look at the Chrissy Teigens of the world, who I absolutely love, and I wish that I could say some of the stuff that she says. But I know where I want to go in my career path and I know that there are some things I can't say.
I think one of the things I've learned is that the tone of an organization is set from the top down. And if you have men running an organization that want to honor women, that's a whole different experience than if they don't.
In a recent interview, Jeb Bush revealed that his brother George gave him the nickname 'tortoise' because he's making slow, steady progress. Though I think the bigger story here is that compared to George, Jeb is the slow one.
If the popular thing to do is to say you have to ban flag burning, even if it ultimately means we're compromising a core principle of who we are as a republic, I don't think Donald Trump really thinks that that deeply into it.
Half of the equation is men, and right now, unfortunately, men are running the majority of corporations, so we have to make sure that if that is the case, that they are respectful and honor women for their true accomplishments.
suppose you invest time and effort in designing a new image for yourself. You get home and your husband takes one look and screams, 'Was the other person hurt? I see you've been in a head-on collision.' ... Men hate any change.
Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign for president this Wednesday. I don’t know about his chances. I mean, I’m not saying Gingrich peaked in the ‘90s, but his campaign is being sponsored by Tamagotchis and Crystal Pepsi.
Donald Trump got in some trouble for saying that John McCain is not a war hero, and said, 'I like people that weren't captured.' Not good. In fact, Trump's people are telling him to lay low for a while until this all combs over.
Today is the midterm elections. The Washington Post is predicting that there's a 98 percent chance of the Republicans taking the Senate and The New York Times says there's a 75 percent chance. And CNN said, 'Wait, that's today?'
Today Google celebrated its 13th anniversary.... That's right, Google turned 13 years old. Which explains why today when I searched for something, Google was just like, "I don't know. Stop asking me questions! I'm going upstairs.
Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation's security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner.