One thing is for sure. The Drive-By Media is populated with people who are not just biased and bigoted and prejudicial. It's obvious that they are also the victims of an absolutely pathetic education system.

My role on television is one of helping people reexamine the assumptions that they hold. I regard Dr. King. You would never hear me get up and speak without in some way, shape or form, referencing, Dr. King.

There's no cure for getting depressed. There's no cure for self-loathing or periods of it. But figure out enough about it so that when it happens, you can get over it and keep moving and just accomplish more.

Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.

President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.

Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.'

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.

It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They're now free of Ebola - and Democrats.

Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes?

Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.

I have empathy for the person who is being interviewed and written about with all kinds of misperceptions and misconceptions and flat-out lies. So I feel for them, I feel their pain. I know what that is like.

Unfortunately, we don't have a depth of African scriptwriters, so it's easier to Africanize something that already works. Local script writers are giving me James Bond budget scenes that I can't even produce.

Most men would love to be stared at by women. Don't doubt me on this. And my guess is that most women are actually intrigued by it and have developed techniques and skills for dealing with it. Don't doubt me.

There are children in America who are going to be separated from their parents 'cause their parents are going to be deported while the children who were born here can stay. We are forgetting the human beings.

[Barack] Obama's out there saying it's the number one national security threat [climate change], and he's got his Joint Chiefs of Staff out there planning American battles, military engagements on that basis.

I have a question for Republicans running for the House and the Senate. I'm asking this question with genuine sincerity: Why should people vote for you? It's clear that you don't want to stop Hillary Clinton.

There's a reason why at most major universities and colleges the female-male enrollment is so out of whack. Thirty-five percent male versus 65% female. It used to be just the exact opposite. There's a reason.

Punishing achievement isn't gonna help anybody. Trying to equalize people by lowering the people at the top, that's not good. All that is is punitive. Why don't you find a way to elevate people at the bottom?

I'm telling you, the disconnect is big, and the gap of understanding between the people in Washington, in news media, the New York/Boston/Washington corridor and the rest of the country, that gap is widening.

If you dare go out and criticize Hillary Clinton, they'll call you "attacking the girl," "unfairly the attacking the girl" or "unfairly attacking her husband" and it becomes a whole different media narrative.

Trump is considered to be an outsider. The establishment doesn't want any part of Trump. They don't want him to succeed. And I would throw some Republicans in that as well. It's just the way Washington works.

Maybe, instead of putting our standards on other people, we should be very reticent, apprehensive, and deliberate and methodical in choosing whom we choose to elevate in the eyes of the public as role models.

Maybe it's because One Direction was just on 'SNL,' or because I'm playing The Wanted on my Top 40 show, but in terms of boy bands, we're seeing this resurgence, and it's happening, whether you like it or not!

President Bush got an early Christmas gift. This week, President Bush was chosen as 'Person of the Year' by Time magazine. Not only that, Martha Stewart was chosen as person of the year by Doing Time magazine.

The Secret Service said there have been 40 fence-jumping incidents at the White House in the past five years. Half of them were intruders trying to get in. The other half was President Obama trying to get out.

One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession.

This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it

There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office.

The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.

Since the Drive-Bys are involved, I'm sorry, folks, I just never, ever do I accept anything, I don't care what. If it's football, if it's the space program, if it's anything, I automatically do not believe it.

[Ronald] Reagan had an agenda, three agenda items. George W. Bush had some. But [Donald] Trump, because people weren't listening, Trump has the longest agenda item list I have seen in modern American politics.

Obama has been saying for years now - he said it again on Sunday - that climate change is the biggest threat facing the planet, all the while he knew that Iran is just a couple months away from a nuclear bomb.

Putin did not head the KGB, never has. Putin was a mid-level nobody there. Putin was one of those guys in the KGB who was a climber. He was forever hoping, climbing that ladder, trying to get to the head spot.

Donald Trump is not ideological. Now, to me, that means more than he's not just conservative or liberal. He knows what both things are. It's just not how he looks at the world, and it's not how he sees people.

"Vote for one; get both of us." Campaign slogan. She [Hillary Clinton] was constantly portrayed as a co-president even during the campaign. The Smartest Woman in the World. That's how they portrayed her to us.

The first mistake in the New York Times is worrying about granting Trump access. They're not "granting" Trump access. Trump is commanding access. Trump is taking access. Trump is dictating the daily narrative.

It's been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger's opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet. Yeah, in a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates by four inches.

After Donald Trump's derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled Celebrity Apprentice. Think about it: Donald Trump isn't even president yet, and he's already made America a better place!

Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they weren't deciphered until this week.

I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little.

Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don't confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That's urban quagmire.

Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg.

Ted Cruz is a nice guy, a likeable guy. He's not crazy. He's not nasty. And he certainly is not - he's not a liar. He's a down - down the middle guy that I - anybody could trust. He has got plenty of integrity.

The welfare state is collapsing all around us. There are people that realize that we can't go on this way, but I'm not sure how many people realize how close we are to the collapse of the U.S. financial system.

This is why I don't understand Democrats worried about turnout. They get the dead out every year. I mean, what's the problem? But if [Hillary Clinton] wins this, it isn't gonna mean anything to be a Republican.

What positive change? Why didn't we hear a word about all of Hillary Clinton's good works for the Clinton charitable foundation? I mean, you would think that's where it would all be.But we didn't hear about it.

The Republicans have never had, in their story - conservatives, either, have never had... I'm talking this in a media context, now. They've never had an agenda or a story that the media would like them to have.

[Donald Trump] is the one guy you could have elected who's not going to cave on this [global establishment] stuff, certainly not in the first month, first six months, first year. They're just getting warmed up.

You find them [leftists] everywhere now. They have moved in and corrupted everything, and they've done it by intimidating anybody who might oppose them. They succeed in getting away with calling people racists.

The way the Democrats try to dispirit everybody and impugn people is basically insult their intelligence. If you're not Democrat, if you're not liberal, you're an idiot. You're kook. Something's wrong with you.

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