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This week a group of activists, known as Anonymous, hacked the Twitter account of the KKK. The KKK is furious. They said Anonymous is just a bunch of cowards who don't have the courage to show their faces.
It was reported today that former Governor Howard Dean raised $14 million dollars in campaign funds mostly over the Internet. Of course, Dean's success could be contributed to his Web site: www.wetboobies.
The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.
Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!
Today Prince William went to Washington, D.C., and he met with President Obama. He said, 'It feels weird being in the White House because I'm not an American.' And then Prince William said, 'Yeah, me too.'
When I talk to people who believe in this global warming crap... it's fake science. They may have educations and degrees that say they are scientists, but they're not. They're political hacks and leftists.
Why is freedom such a hard sell? That's the question. In this country, why has the idea of individual liberty and responsibility become such a hard sell? That's something I never thought would happen here.
You just gotta be who you are, and I think it's time to get rid of this whole National Basketball Association. Call it the TBA, the Thug Basketball Association, and stop calling them teams. Call 'em gangs.
When this election is over, you're done, you're finished. There is no more GOP. Don't care what you GOP leaders are thinking, you're not welcome. We don't want you in our club, and you're not gonna get in.
Obama had the media; Obama had the judiciary; Obama had all kinds of support. At an Obama press conference, typical question, "What enchants you?" I mean, Obama was never challenged seriously by the media.
Jeff Bezos buys the Washington Post. I think a lot of this is the PR value. Look at what we're doing here. We are talking about how Jeff Bezos cares about the poor. And for some people that's all you need.
If you're an editor at TIME magazine or writer at TIME magazine and you are shocked to look at real documented research that says men and women are different - what in the world did you believe beforehand?
I've never run across anybody who suggested that women need to be reprogrammed. I don't think I've even come across anybody who wanted to teach a girl how to throw right. They just accept it is what it is.
You can only utter things proved by science. Do you realize that would shut down the entire climate change community? Because none of it is provable by science. Don't tell them that, but none of it is yet.
Facebook revamped its search feature. Now you can search for any post that has ever appeared on your page. It's helpful if you want to waste time this year remembering exactly how you wasted time last year.
One of the candidates running for governor is a 100-year-old woman. Yeah, the 100-year-old says she'd like to recall Governor Gray Davis, but more importantly, she'd like to recall where she left her teeth.
The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads.
The birth certificate of the royal baby lists her parents' occupations as being 'the prince and princess of the United Kingdom.' It says that under occupation, which I guess sounds better than 'unemployed.'
Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.
For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.
Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you've actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.
I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying.
For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It's great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you're in line for the congressional bathroom.
You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella. First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?
The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That's insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie.
I'll say something else about Christine O'Donnell. You ready? I'd rather look at her than Mike Castle. I think she's kind of cute. I think she's kind of refreshing. She's a conservative. What's the problem?
He is exaggerating the effects of the disease. He's moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act. ... This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox. Either he didn't take his medication or he's acting.
Immigration law's already settled. That's why we have people known as illegal immigrants, because the law is very clear. They're not being called illegal immigrants because people are biased and prejudiced.
Everybody talks about candidate tax returns, and they release those - well, most. But medical records, that's another thing, and that arguably might be more important or relevant than somebody's tax return.
Let me tell you what's really delicious about this [Donald] Trump announcement they're not gonna prosecute. They're also saying something else. They're saying, "No, we're gonna help [Hillary Clinton] heal."
It's risky because any number of things are going to happen that nobody can foresee. But right now everybody is the left is playing to type. They are behaving exactly as you could predict. They're children.
Liberalism is probably the root of most of the problems they face in life, including raising their kids, including educating their kids, practically every walk of life, because everything today's political.
I certainly wouldn't stand for policies that are gonna end up destroying America, this special place, because once this special place is destroyed and is no longer special, then where is everybody gonna go?
The liberals are this way. When they lose elections, they don't look inward and ask what they did wrong. They look at you and ask, "Why are you so stupid? How in the world could you have not voted for us?".
In America, we don't have a growing economy. We don't have jobs being created at a replacement level for those we had lost. We don't have anything Obama said. He lied about the cost of premiums coming down.
Of course the media loves stuff like that so they find this one Rockette. It's like you can have 10,000 people at a rally for [Donald] Trump and 200 people outside, and the 200 people outside make the news.
While winning may not always personify the Big Apple, attitude certainly does. Players get called to the carpet. So do coaches, managers, executives, owners, and anyone associated with them. No one is safe.
Indiana's governor is coming under fire for a new law that some people feel is anti-gay. The governor now says he is not anti-gay. Then immediately afterwards he said, 'April Fools.' It wasn't his best joke.
In a speech today, President Obama said that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he is wrong. As a result, Michelle Obama is now the Republican front-runner for 2016.
LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Canada. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somewhere else.
Time magazine announced its person of the year. It's health workers who treat Ebola. That's a person of the year. Time magazine told the health workers, 'No need to pick up your award, we'll mail it to you.'
In response to criticism of its treatment of killer whales, Sea World said it will build them a larger habitat. When asked for comment, killer whales said, 'Hey, you know what's a larger habitat?' THE OCEAN.
In Iraq, four American soldiers have been arrested and charged with stealing a million dollars cash. After hearing about it the Fox network announced plans for a new reality show called 'GI Joe Millionaire.'
If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'
I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember.
Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka.
Will some reporter, or some Republican on the Sunday shows, please ask why tax cuts raid the non-existent Social Security Trust Fund but all the Democrats' new spending doesn't? Will someone please ask that?
When Barack Obama was caught telling Dmitry Medvedev, "Tell Vlad to be patient. We'll get rid of our nukes after I win reelection and I'll have more flexibility." That was in 2012, right before the election.
Liberals don't have a sense of humor, particularly if it's about them. You can't laugh at them, you can't mock them, you can't make fun of them like they can laugh at and mock and make fun of everybody else.
What [Donald] Trump is saying is the pope will pray for Trump as president because Trump is gonna be the only guy trying to stop ISIS, which wants to take out the Vatican. It is. It is quite a curious thing.