Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It's time to see that there's no such thing as unity in the Democrat Party, ever. They are a disparate coalition of different groups that have one or two unifying precincts: High taxes, Big Government.
Everything changes when you become president. Everything. The things that you've said during the campaign on military strategy and policy, it automatically changes when you become a commander-in-chief.
This year's Olympics will be replacing the women's beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of 'Buzzkillistan.'
The White House admitted that Vice President Biden's endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot.
Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice.
The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold.
Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.
In his apology, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was sorry to the women that he groped, and he admitted that he had acted badly. Not only that, Arnold then apologized for acting badly in all of his movies.
I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.
Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.
Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night.
The fact that we're spending $700 billion a year on oil is actually a good thing; it means we have the prosperity to do it. It means that oil's being used, and oil is the fuel for the engine of freedom.
What is a change-maker? What has Hillary Clinton changed? It is filled with all the cliches that New Agers and leftists glom on to, like "common sense gun control legislation." But it never was defined.
After four years is when they [Barack Obama Justice Department] announced that no charges would be pursued and no prosecutions would be pursued [George W.Bush]. So Trump's got time, is the point, folks.
If Hillary Clinton were prosecuted and if... Well, let's just leave it at that. If she were prosecuted, there is not a Republican safe from liberal Democrat harassment and prosecution on there on after.
Most people have always done better than their parents, and their parents have done pretty well, and there's always been a sense of expectation or entitlement. It's part of being an American in a sense.
The media is trying to portray that [Donald] Trump supporters are on the verge of abandoning him right now by highlighting how many of them wanted Hillary locked up, prosecuted, convicted, and all that.
You can see signs of a roaring economy. You can sense economic growth. You know it's happening. You're part of it. It is affecting you. Seventy-five percent of Americans think the government is corrupt.
I think a lot of people have had their eyes open, shocked that the team they thought they were on didn't exist, and that the games were not being played to win. I guess it's shocking to a lot of people.
Donald Trump has a bunch of people who have been able to find the money they need for projects that they wanted to do and succeed at them and show a profit at the same time, and everybody involved wins.
I prefer turkey to other potential sandwich meats. Turkey is delicious, and the turkey and cheese sandwich is my personal favorite. It doesn't upset my stomach, and I like to have it once or twice week.
During her Oscar acceptance speech, Patricia Arquette called for equal pay for women. Then Oprah stood up and said, 'She's right, I can't live like this. I can't take another second of this living hell.'
Justin Bieber's tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.
Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she's great with animals. And the president's still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.
New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English.
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
Have you seen this inane support from CNN extolling Hillary Clinton's breathing talents; that she has this unique ability to breathe through one nostril at a time? It's obviously she's got some problems.
I predict, that if the establishment can't stop Donald Trump in the primary process, they will make an effort to stop him at the convention. I mean, Governor Mitt Romney has pretty much telegraphed this.
Most liberals I know do not consider themselves to even be liberals. They just think of you and me as conservatives, and that means, therefore, we're odd and we're kooks and maybe extreme and maybe mean.
It doesn't benefit me to lie to people. They're eventually going to find out the truth, and then where am I? That's the problem with liberalism and socialism, by the way: it has to be propped up by lies.
Most people grow up thinking everybody wants to come to America because America is the sweet spot of the planet. America is the greatest place in the world - which it is - and everybody wants to be here.
You can go out and you can run ads all day long on Donald Trump and what he says about women, and you haven't even gotten close to separating his supporters from him, 'cause that's not why they're there.
Have you noticed that when it comes to immigration we ride herd on legal immigration pretty damn hard, and who is it that really is subject to most of the limits there? Have to say it’s white immigrants.
Jennifer [Palmieri], could it possibly be that Hillary Clinton just doesn't connect with people, that she just doesn't relate to people, that Hillary Clinton doesn't have anything in common with anybody?
I think a lot of the energy that the media and the Democrats are bringing to this is rooted in a belief that they can get rid of Donald Trump. I really think that that's something they think they can do.
This whole notion of job training centers with the government in charge of making sure you know what to do when certain jobs are lost and new jobs come along? That's not how people have meaningful lives.
President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, 'You can do anything in life if your parents work hard enough.'
Health officials are saying the number of measles cases that originated in Disneyland continues to grow. Which is why this year after the game the Super Bowl MVPshouted, 'No way am I going to Disneyland!'
The top two movies at the box office this weekend were 'High School Musical 3' and 'Saw V.' One movie features gruesome onscreen torture that is difficult to watch and the other is about a guy with a saw.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway.
Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again.
President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they're gone, they got a fence jumper to house sit. Tomorrow, he will be in Hawaii playing golf with Raul Castro and the Pope.
The Democrats cannot find Romney fingerprints on what's happening to this country. Every fingerprint is Barack Obama's, Joe Biden's, Nancy Pelosi's, Harry Reid's, Barney Frank's, you name it, Eric Holder.
I don't know whether to admit it or not. You think I should tell them, Snerdley? Okay. Folks, some good friends of mine who live here in Palm Beach bought a Smart Car... and there's a picture of me in it.
I am opposed to Obama's efforts to destroy the American economy. I'm opposed to Obama's efforts to so-called fix the health care system. I'm opposed to the way Obama wants to go about fixing unemployment.
Nobody wants to have meaninglessness in their lives. You probably see a lot of people living their lives that don't have a whole lot of meaning that you can perceive, and you don't want that for yourself.
If somebody loses a gig because they publicly show up at [Donald] Trump's inauguration, I guarantee you somebody else is going to hire them and pay them more than they were making whenever they got fired.
There's nothing in the 14th Amendment that says if you are born to a mother who is a citizen that you're automatically a citizen. It isn't there. Even some of our presidential candidates think that it is.
In Sarah Palin's new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, 'Thank you, God,' which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin.