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MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he's not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan.
McDonald's released a new video showing how it makes their Chicken McNuggets. Apparently it turns out that McNuggets aren't made out of chicken. They're made out of people who ask too many questions.
According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.
President Obama, by the way, has set a Guinness World Record as the fastest person to get a million Twitter followers. Obama now has as many followers as the Republicans have presidential candidates.
I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.
Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.
Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.
I'm not saying Donald Trump voters are a cult at all. I'm saying the attitude of implicit trust, people don't trust politicians like that, and yet a lot of people will profess blanket trust of Trump.
If you're Obama, can you imagine being lectured to about honesty and integrity from a convicted perjurer, Bill Clinton? My gosh, folks, I mean, literally how far has one fallen when that is the case?
You have to understand the way the liberal looks at something working. Their purpose here is not to provide you health care cheaply, affordably and plentifully. That's not what this is about to them.
So I shamelessly say, no, I want him [Obama] to fail, if his agenda is a far- left collectivism, some people say socialism, as a conservative heartfelt, deeply, why would I want socialism to succeed?
A loyal liberal can get away with anything with other liberals, as long as that loyal liberal is liberal and attacks conservatives left and right, spouts the right words, they get away with anything.
The TV provides pictures, therefore creates fame, and that's what makes it seductive to a lot of people. They want to be famous. They want to be recognized. And I've gotten all that out of my system.
Hillary Clinton doesn't have any natural talents. Hillary doesn't have any natural connection to people. Hillary doesn't have any charisma, magnetism. All of that has to be manufactured by the media.
We've got communism. We have Bushism. We have Clintonism. But there isn't a Trumpism. Bullet-point for me what the Trump political philosophy is and you can't do it, because he's not a political guy.
Liberalism, socialism, whatever, it is such a corrupting, destructive thing. And I believe it's the most destructive force in the world today, outside of, militarized weaponry and that kind of thing.
[The Democrats] are sitting there thinking they really won. They won the popular vote. "We're only talking about this election Kellyanne [Conway]. You don't have a mandate, you don't have a mandate."
On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan.
People in China criticized President Obama for chewing gum while entering the economic summit in Beijing. They're saying he looked like a rapper. Then again, to be fair, in China I look like a rapper.
There's a rumor that NBC is going to have Tom Brokaw fill in temporarily as the NBC News anchor. When asked why, a network spokesperson said, 'Because the only other NBC person we have is Bill Cosby.'
Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the Costco of crazy.'
During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam.
Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.
But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.
Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear.
What we need to do is stop global warming; that's the only way to stop your peanut butter cups from melting... And if that doesn't do the trick, then put them in the fridge... Or better yet, eat them.
You can't understand the Electoral College unless you know what federalism is, and federalism is one of these terms that, in many cases, means the exact opposite of the word as it's currently applied.
Every day we are slathered with the biggest bunk of lies and distortions and half-truths that I can recall. And all the while the American left is doing its best to bring down this country as founded.
I think clear heads will prevail and the correct enemy will be identified, political enemy will be identified, and efforts will come together to defeat whoever it is they throw up - Democrats, I mean.
The Republican establishment may in fact be so desirous of getting rid of the Tea Party as its base, they may be willing to lose some elections in order to get rid of their base and put up a new base.
It's also hard to believe, because people alive today, immigration's been a daily event and a daily topic for their whole lives. They can't conceive of a period of time where there was no immigration.
Hillary Clinton has said numerous times in this campaign, "If Congress doesn't act to end the plague of gun violence in America," that she will do so by executive action. Now, what is she going to do?
It is clear that many of [Republicans] do not want to try to keep Hillary Clinton out of the White House. So if it's not important to keep her out of the White House, why is it important to elect you?
All the media is anymore is the Democrat Party's agenda, the Democrat Party's political desires and objectives presented as "the news" and also presented as popularly supported by the American people.
Politicians have made up their own version of Islam to avoid having to deal with the reality of Islam because it's just too daunting, frightening, scary, whatever, and they don't want to deal with it.
Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want people to stay at home and do nothing, you should turn the Internet back on.
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been awarded the highest rank in the country's military. The decision was praised by everyone from Parliamentary leader Kim Jong Un to opposition leader Kim Jong Un.
A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause they sent out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.' Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say 'Barack Hussein Osama.'
Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana - conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it's time to 'you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.'
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.
By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, 'No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.' And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.
'Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of American culture and society,' and I'm sure in politics, you would have to acknowledge that it has worked.
The Russians didn't hack the DNC servers. The Russians didn't interfere in the election [2016]. And if you get a Democrat in the know to sit down and honestly tell you off the record, they'll admit it.
You do not have to incriminate yourself. But once you assert your innocence, and once you say you didn't do anything wrong, you can't then use the Fifth Amendment to say, 'I'm not answering questions.'
The media has been trying to protect Obama. The media has been trying to shield Obama. Several in the Republican establishment in the so-called conservative media have even been trying to shield Obama.
Bill Clinton described himself as he's "the big dog." He's out hunting, and he found something. Some woman was emitting some, you know, come-to-me smell or whatever, and he was picking up on the scent.
Democrats are not a national party. They have lost governorships, state legislatures, mayoralties. They have lost 1,500 seats since elections, 2010, '12, '14, it's been devastating. And it's all Obama.
The original United States, the founding of America was indeed a shared culture. And you could argue that there was a diversity from the founding days, but not the way the left defines diversity today.