Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.
I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'
But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'
Every liberal on the campaign trail has a plan to deliver free, socialized medicine, but no country on earth, folks, can possibly pay for every test for everybody without going bankrupt.
We've defined decency down now that we look at the entertainment value of it, whether the acting is good, the writing is good, the story is good, no matter the depravity, we'll watch it.
We're releasing hardened criminals from jails all over California. They don't have the money. They don't have the room anymore. The jails are overflowing so we gotta get rid of somebody.
I think it's a Pew survey of Millennials, and the first one is that more and more Millennial-aged women are ashamed and embarrassed that they earn more than their husbands or boyfriends.
Are any of you out there worried that it means something bad that [Donald] Trump has decided not to prosecute Hillary [Clinton]? I'm just asking, because I'm hearing from people who are.
I think it's Greek Orthodox - who totally believes in the pope, not anything about attacking the United States, which needs to be because we're not recognizing the dignity of all people.
The Democrats have made the low-information voters think they care about 'em. And the worst thing you can do is invest in the Democrat Party, the worst thing, in terms of life potential.
If a corporation shuts down and leaves, liberals don't care. It gives them an enemy, it gives them a villain, they love to criticize them and it's got people in need, people out of work.
Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning.
Tom Brady says he wants to give the truck he was given as the Super Bowl MVP to the guy who won the Super Bowl for the Patriots. So Brady's giving his truck toSeahawks coach Pete Carroll.
President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.
According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That's right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch.
The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.'
Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?
Rights are either God-given or evolve out of the democratic process. Most rights are based on the ability of people to agree on a social contract, the ability to make and keep agreements.
Obama isn't just too big to fail. He's too big to know. Obama is so vital to the country and to the world, he must be kept out of the loop in order to save him from his failed presidency.
[Donald] Trump is speaking in Philadelphia on military matters. He's doing quite well. I want to join a little bit of this in progress just to give you a flavor for how Trump is sounding.
As long as there's anybody that's poor or middle class, there will not be satisfaction that there are rich people. Not 'til we get rid of all the rich can we say we have finished the job.
If you're going to offer a position of great power and importance to somebody, you're not gonna do that publicly unless you know they're gonna accept it, because to refuse it is a rebuke.
If your kids are realizing that they descend from something, that's really great. The more you're able to inculcate that the greater amount of pride they're gonna have. That's incredible.
I think we're paralyzed by the virtues of a combination of liberalism and bureaucracy. And Trump doesn't know any of that. All he knows, and he's like every other citizen, fed up with it.
This is a hallmark trait of the left. There is never any effort to elevate anybody. Liberalism is all about tearing down. Liberalism is all about lowering. It is all about destroying 'em.
I want the largest audience I can get, because that's how I can charge the highest advertising rate. Which means what else do I want? Money. I am trying to earn a profit. It's capitalism.
Be careful about gossiping because loose lips really do sink ships. Now that I'm in the broadcast business, and people talk about me, I know what it feels like to be the victim of gossip.
It was reported that Anna Kournikova is coming out with her own brand of deodorant. Apparently, the ads show Kournikova holding up her deodorant and saying now only her tennis game stinks.
California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.
The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to 'dismangle' the English language.
According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can' has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind.
Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served.
Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women's Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that's missing an hour.
Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.
Our political correct society is acting like some giant insult's taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards...There's going to be a retard summit at the White House.
Really think hard about what you want to do, because when you're doing what you want to do is probably when you'll be doing your best. And pray it is not a hobby so they'll pay you for it.
This woman [Hillary Clinton] has been in public, has been a nationally known figure for over 30 years. Why does anybody have to tell us who she is? And why does she need to be "humanized"?
There are some women, we have to admit this, there's some women who support Hillary Clinton simply because they think it's great that a woman might be elected president for the first time.
Trump wants a team of fighters. He wants a team of people that understand what they're up against and who's out to get them, to stop them, to destroy them, to impede them or what have you.
I was right - Barack Obama's primary objective is to return the nation's wealth to it's rightful owners. This guy comes, if you look at some of his czars, for example, this Mark Lloyd guy.
I'm part German and part Irish. In fact, there's even a town in Germany that was named after my family, Limbach or so forth. And I don't know. I might even have some Indian blood in there.
[Steven] Lerner's plan starts by attacking JP Morgan Chase with demonstrations on Wall Street, protests at the annual shareholder meeting, and then calls for a coordinated mortgage strike.
The minute you hear subsidies, I don't care what, if it's health care, buying cars, the minute you hear subsidies, you have to understand, whatever's going on here, it isn't market forces.
History is replete with examples of moments in time when we talk about deficit reduction and try to advance on it around the world, that is, where it leads to job losses, not job creation.
This is not a skill problem, this is a will problem. Does America have the will to make education a priority? We know the things that work. Why don't we scale up those things that do work.
In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, “What an idiot! It's 'The Tweeter.''
Tom Ridge announced a new color-coded alarm system. ... Green means everything's okay. Red means we're in extreme danger. And champagne-fuschia means we're being attacked by Martha Stewart.
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
John Boehner is a member of a country club in Ohio. It turns out that the bartender was plotting to poison Boehner. Now wait a minute. Isn't that the movie with Seth Rogen and James Franco?