The idea of going back to college scares me, and I didn't even go. I went to college for one year, two semesters. If you add up the total time, I probably didn't even go one semester.

This is what everybody's forgetting about [Barak] Obama and his immigration law and his executive action and his amnesty on it, the Supreme Court decision. Immigration law is settled.

There's a negative connotation to internet trolls, but at the same time this is becoming mainstream. This kind of speech pattern, the way people speak, this is common on the internet.

The economy working - the economy growing, corporations growing and hiring people and wage increases occurring - is the worst thing that can happen politically for the Democrat Party.

Antonin Scalia and Donald Trump both. They love the country. They do not understand people who don't. They would love that everybody else loved the country. But it's not gonna happen.

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.

This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in San Francisco without power are usually called Republicans.

Rick Perry said America's revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, 'I never said I was a geology major.'

Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that.

Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care.

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.

I change my hairstyle every day for the show, I'm fastidious and vain about my nails and teeth and grooming and makeup, but a perfect body, forget it. Dust to dust, wuggies to wuggies.

Liberals, communists, socialists, look at people as workers. They look at 'em as ants, worker ants, worker bees and so forth, and they just plug 'em in to do jobs that need to be done.

I've earned this microphone. No one gave this to me. I've earned this microphone. I use it each day to enter the arena of ideas, and do whatever I can to persuade you to agree with me.

The communists have tried to corrupt our education system. They've tried to corrupt any number of institutions. Why wouldn't they try to corrupt the Catholic Church? It is a big enemy.

Reagan won because he was real. He believed in America. He told people he was gonna make it great again coming out of a disastrous four years of Jimmy Carter and Watergate before that.

This guy [Steve Lerner] is pure, 100% anti-capitalist and what he wants is what Cloward-Piven has basically said: Just overwhelm the system. It's sort of a derivative of Cloward-Piven.

When you understand that everything - and I do mean everything - in this nation that we live in, if not this world, is connected to the almighty dollar, it doesn't mean you worship it.

Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie 'Frozen.' One leaves you with something highly infectious that's impossible to get out of your system. The other is Ebola.

Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That's right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it's already been slapped 12 times.

North Korea conducted a nuclear test and the blast was so small that many scientists are saying it was a dud. Apparently, the nuclear bomb didn't work well because it was made in Korea.

A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over $110,000. The strange thing is that it's the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years.

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.

I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.

Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He's almost certainly running, and I'm almost certainly retiring, so I don't care.

The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins.

Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she's against death panels. And I thought, 'Really? She's the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.'

The television set's on while the family's sitting around having dinner or talking. Nobody's watching TV; it's there; they're aware of it, but they're not participating. That's passive.

If you really want to get rid of the problems in the NFL, put Obama in charge of it: in a few months it will be so deep in debt it will have to go out of business - no more concussions.

It's too easy to find people who've failed and are embittered. The best thing you can do is hang around people who've succeeded and are happy doing what you want to do. Learn from them.

The Founding Fathers are not just some people that happened to get mad a long time ago and want their freedom. They were special people in addition to what their natural yearnings were.

The Democratic Party does not want anybody to have a photo ID because that would have a very negative impact on cheating! If you require a photo ID, that pretty much shuts out cheating.

The leaders of these moments know full well they're never gonna live next to these newly arriving immigrants. They're gonna live in gated communities. They're gonna continue to be rich.

Who's driving this business that the Russians hacked the election? It's the Democrat Party. It's Hillary Clinton. It's Obama. It's all those people who just can't accept that they lost.

The MacGuffin in that [Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky story] was [Bill] Clinton staying in office. That's what he wanted, and the media was hell-bent that he was gonna get what he wanted.

Every time a Republican wins the White House, whenever Republicans win control of Congress, the Drive-Bys always claim that the message is voters want a balanced and divided government.

In our society, in our culture, we love to build people up. We love to build the pedestal, and we love to put 'em up there on it, and then we can't wait for the day they fall off of it.

It's not usually anybody else's false when you don't get what you want. Sometimes it is. There's exceptions to everything. It's usually the self-limitations that we attach to ourselves.

I'm not anti-anything. I'm not anti-Jew or Gentile, I'm not anti-white, but I am pro-black. I am pro my people. And I love us so much that it gets on my nerves when we do stupid things.

I feel blessed to be in the broadcast business for 20 years. I believe that when you're this blessed, you have an obligation to pay it forward. That's what life is all about ultimately.

I feel like I've been successful after being done with the film is when I see it, if I'm embarrassed, if I'm slightly mortified, and if I feel super-vulnerable, I think I did something.

Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, 'I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one.'

Breast feeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breast feeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, 'What? I'm looking at the baby.'

A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers of Budweiser, for $52 billion. Which is a a shame because if they had waited until happy hour, they could have paid half that.

In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away.

In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic.

A Saudi Arabian prince has said that oil may never again rise above $100 a barrel. He said it's gotten so bad he can't afford to buy his wife her own car that she's not allowed to drive.

According to the latest poll in the Washington Post, 63 percent of Americans said that so far they approve of President Bush. Not surprisingly, the other 37 percent are English teachers.

I'm a paranoid person. And I think - I'm the kind of person that can come up with lots of negative scenarios. But I remembered thinking that seemed like - that was a stretch even for me.

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.

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