Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I want Apple to continue to innovate. I want them to be on time. I want them to be leaders. And my big concern with Apple recently has been they can't build what they're designing.
What is happening to Donald Trump in terms of the way he's being reported on and cast with the media is the way every Republican presidential candidate has been treated in my life.
Kellyanne's [Conway] pointing out, you people say we don't have a mandate? You don't have a [Democratic] party. You've lost a thousand legislative seats. You only have five states.
I think that just talking about what guys shouldn’t do, we got to also make sure that you can do your part to do whatever you can do to make, to try to make sure it doesn’t happen.
I feel a responsibility to make sure that the voices from our community are heard. I do not feel a responsibility to agree with them. No one tells me what to think. I think for me.
I hope 'The Voice' has a fifteen-year run, don't get me wrong. But I come from nothing, and maybe it's the Irish in me, but my attitude is always like, 'They'll figure me out soon.'
Representative Chris Lee was forced to resign after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman on Craigslist. On the bright side, he DID surprise his wife for Valentines Day.
A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other hand, would be willing to have sex with the remote for the TV.
Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?
Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird.
Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?
We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections.
George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's better than his old campaign slogan: "A dumb guy with connections.
I believe it was Today show fourth-hour host Kathie Lee Gifford who said, 'If drag queens love you, you'll have the longest career in the world. They know phony and they know real.'
When WOMEN got the right to vote is when it all went downhill. Because that's when votes started being cast with emotion and uh, maternal instincts that government ought to reflect.
Obama had the audacity to say, 'I have unequivocally prohibited the use of torture by the United States.' Ladies and gentlemen, torture in the United States has always been illegal.
We gotta ditch conservatism and people that believe it, we gotta move on. Otherwise, if we don't, we're just delaying our nightmare, postponing the nightmare. That's Ford O'Connell.
So 38% think that Donald Trump's not qualified to be president. How many people thought that about Bill Clinton? Bill Clinton actually did the kind of things Trump is talking about.
I don't really have a problem 'cause I know who these people are, I know that they're scared to death. I know these leftists with scared and they oppose and that they're inflexible.
We should want small business, large business all doing well. We shouldn't want to punish them for the simple reason that they've gone into business, which is what the Democrats do.
[People] think that they run the world. They think this election's an aberration. They think that [Donald] Trump is subhuman and a gigantic accident and that they're all threatened.
I've never really been a conservative. I've never really been a Republican, never been any of that. I've only been in it for me. And proof of that is that I will not denounce Trump.
It's the end of the day where wives stay home and raise the kids and all that. That demeaning stuff? No more. Country club memberships, that's what you shoot for! To hell with that.
Hillary Clinton ran the "Bimbo Eruptions Unit" with a woman named Betsey Wright. And in so doing, she preserved the Democrat Party, because she preserved the career of Bill Clinton.
I have not forgotten my story I want to tell Millennial women. I'm still waiting for them all to gather out there. I sent out a request for people to call Millennial that they know.
If people are speaking about something passionately and if they have a level of intelligence about it and if they're sufficiently informed, it's going to be like a magnet to people.
Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing: Gary Coleman is going to drown.
A lawyer from Africa wants to marry Malia Obama in exchange for goats, sheep, and cows. In response, President Obama said, 'Don't be ridiculous. My daughter isn't marrying a lawyer.'
Some people are saying Bill O'Reilly exaggerated his war experience in the 1980s. People became suspicious because O'Reilly said he was injured in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars.
Donald Trump refuses to give details about his policy plans. Trump apologized by saying, 'When I announced I was running for president, I had no idea people would take me seriously.'
It was reported today that U.S. military bases will not show 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, during interrogations, U.S. troops will continue to show 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.'
Director Oliver Stone says he's going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can't believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well.
Every year when it's Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers calm their frightened children by telling them it's just gunfire.
I'm just warning you here: Don't anybody ask about the president's religion! Don't even get close to going there. Don't do it. That is a forbidden area. You cannot even ask about it.
By the way, I don't mean to pick nits here, but Obama has just ordered the flag at half-mast for 10 days for Mandela. He did not order the flag at half-mast at all for Lady Thatcher.
The time is going to come when [people] are going to really regret this, and they're gonna want to be within [Donald] Trump's orb at some point, 'cause this country's gonna take off.
Essentially, there is no media, folks. There just isn't any media in the sense that there are reporters out there uncovering things you and I don't know and telling us what they are.
It's why I left TV. I couldn't handle everybody telling me what I should have done after they watched me on TV. I said, "You're not even watching what I think I'm doing, so I'm out."
Seventy-seven percent of the people that have given money to Bernie Sanders are people that have given less than 200 bucks. That's a lot of people, folks. That's a lot of enthusiasm.
Hillary Clinton is not the first woman to run for president. That title belongs to Victoria Woodhull, who ran for president in 1872. Her running mate was a young, scrappy John McCain.
Oprah Winfrey just announced that she's planning to attend Barack Obama's inauguration. Oprah says she's very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world.
Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won Apprentice. Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands.
Scientists have found a way to keep middle-aged female mice from going through menopause. Now they're working on a way to keep middle-aged male mice from buying expensive sports cars.
In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.
There's something I believe wholeheartedly: Cynicism is the true refuge of the pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism is easy. Joy is an extremely advanced spiritual and intellectual tenet.
There's going to be a new cable-TV channel for dogs. Dogs don't even watch TV. But the schedule came out today. And they've got great shows, like Barks & Recreation and Game of Bones.
The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.
Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton's decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to "Operation Forget About Whitewater".
It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony -- it's not covered by Obamacare.
Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.