Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't want to get depressed, I don't want to get down in the dumps, and I don't want to get teased with the idea that everything's rigged and everything's fake.
It was really fun being in Tara's trailer, working on my lines. Tara is such an amazing actress. She's so good at what she does. I learned a lot from watching her.
Success is a lot like a bright, white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but then you're desperately afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way.
Today in Sri Lanka, Pope Francis visited a Buddhist temple. When asked why, the Pope said, 'Just keeping my options open. It's a dicey job market. You never know.'
Jeb Bush cheated on his diet and had a fried Snickers bar, pork on a stick, and a beer. Jeb Bush said he ate it so at least he could see some of his numbers go up.
Earlier tonight the second Republican debate took place here in California. With 10 men and only one woman, everyone thought they were watching 'The Bachelorette.'
A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, 'Hey, both of those games went into overtime.'
Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I'm glad the PC police haven't made us change March Madness to early spring psychosis.
Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now I know this guy is presidential material.
Final installment of Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving into a tree, microwaving your head, and getting stabbed in the eye with a carrot.
Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I'd like to release all of my emails. I've got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.
John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either.
Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses.
No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
Emotional roller coasters tend to emphasize the lows, tend to be more affected by the low, by the dip in an emotional roller coaster than when you are at the peak.
The only time there's gonna be a transgender bathroom in the White House is during a gay rights ceremony. You know as well as I do that that's not going to happen.
The Republicans want illegal immigrants for different reasons. They want 'em for cheap labor. Democrats want 'em for voters. Well, Republicans would like that too.
[Donald Trump] says that he doesn't want to hurt the Clintons. He's now saying he might not pursue prosecuting Hillary 'cause he doesn't want to hurt the Clintons.
Drive-Bys assign all meanings to local elections based on what they want to be able to report after the Democrat wins. But the Democrats are not winning elections.
ISIS and Al-Qaeda and whoever else, that is the only way they stop is after we convert. That’s what they say. The only way this stops is when the infidels convert.
It really gets tiresome to be constantly accused of spreading negativity about Barack Obama and the country. He's doing that on his own. We just chronicle it here.
For me, like when you've put yourself out there emotionally, physically, and you've really put yourself on the line, for me, that means I've really done something.
Toyota has announced it will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It's perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every ten minutes.
People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey.
Real life is about reacting quickly to the opportunity at hand, not the opportunity you envisioned. Not thinking and scheming for the future, but letting it happen.
House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, 'Now can I go to Elton John's Oscar party?'
President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again.
You have to ask yourself a question: "What's the purpose of the private sector - to support government?" And if the answer is, "Yes, it is," then you're a Democrat.
People always break the law, but for the most part the rule of law triumphed and illegal immigrants were found and deported. The case was not made for them to stay.
Even if you want to conjure up some things, they are not reason enough to rip America apart, particularly under the guise of fairness or whatever. It's destructive.
Hillary [Clinton] got defeated by the alt-right or by white supremacism or what have you. And they continue to lie to themselves, as does the entire Democrat Party.
Have you ever noticed the Democrats always set the agenda? Whatever the Democrats say they want, that's just what's gonna happen. There's no questioning the policy!
The details of what [Barack] Obama was going to do to the American health care system didn't matter. All that mattered was whether or not Obama was going to get it.
If we don't want to eat vegetables, we don't eat 'em. If the left want to eat vegetables, they want everybody else to do what they do and not do what they don't do.
What is polarizing in America is the Democrat Party agenda. What is polarizing and divisive is the Democrat Party agenda and the things they have been trying to do.
You can find negative people everywhere you go. The last thing in the world you want to do is talk to them, because all they're gonna do is cement pessimism in you!
Even the Supreme Court, back when it used to makes sense, the Supreme Court has never ruled that a baby born to illegal aliens in the US is automatically a citizen.
When we got home from school, every TV in the house was on 'General Hospital,' so if I wanted to watch TV instead of do homework, I had to watch 'General Hospital.'
The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent.
Chris Christie said he will top Donald Trump's Iowa State Fair helicopter entrance by riding in on a pony. As a result, all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding.
Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching 'Celebrity Apprentice.'
Iran is celebrating the nuclear deal. The Iranians are going crazy. They're drinking non-alcoholic champagne and thinking about dancing. That's how excited they are.
The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred.
My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.
Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.
If the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for resisting any topside advances.
St. Patrick's Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It's not the biggest. It's right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.
Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.
What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids -- and he hates Americans for their "excessive" lifestyle.
I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.