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I don't know how men can be held to that Ohio State agreement [on having sex], policy, anyway, because everybody knows in sex men don't think with their brains.
Health care's like any other product or service: if the consumer is in charge of spending his money on it, then the market will make sure that it is affordable.
Campaigns are conducted specifically because of the Electoral College, and people accept it and they understand it. Whether they know it or not, they accept it.
There are people have grown up with implicit trust. Law enforcement, you name it. It's all gone. There's doubt about everything now. And this is not accidental.
People feel the deck is being totally stacked against them, and the Democrats have various things in their playbook to go after opponents; taxes is one of them.
If you believe in free will, why don't you have confidence in people to use it? Why do you want a government, or whoever, regulating them, if you believe in it?
Going forward, which story will the media find more interesting, [Donald] Trump's or Hillary's [Clinton]? Does Hillary even have a story? Does anyone even care?
One of the big mysteries for many conservatives for many, many moons - including me - was the existence of liberal Jews who put liberalism before their Judaism.
You can criticize me. You can crucify me. You can love me. You can hate me. Just don't make the mistake of calling me inauthentic, because you'd be a damn liar.
It's hard these days to have a conversation, at least it is for me, about [Truman]Capote without "Good Night, and Good Luck" coming up in the same conversation.
I stumbled into this format for 'Last Call with Carson Daly' that I really like, inspired by cable and Dave Attell's 'Insomniac.' I love being out on the street.
Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.
Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'
A federal court has ruled that the U.S. Postal Service must reduce its stamp prices. The change in stamp prices is expected to affect as many as seven Americans.
Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a verdict. Martha was found guilty on all charges. In a related story, there's a huge sale at K-Mart.
The Obama administration announced a deal with Iran that would prevent the Iranians from making a nuclear weapon. In exchange, we're giving the Iranians Netflix.
President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited that he jumped over the White House fence for joy.
In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.
Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.
Sales of George Orwell's 1984 have skyrocketed. It's true. So the fallout from the (NSA spying) scandal is worse than we thought. It's forcing Americans to read.
According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle.
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.
Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.
The Smurfs 2 is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They're like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.
Right after the show tonight, I'm going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents.
The vast majority of Muslim residents of the United Kingdom voted to stay in the EU. And the balance of the British population voted to leave the European Union.
I mean, we've had Republican majorities in the House and even the Senate for a couple of years. How has that worked out, stopping [Barack] Obama, hmm? Seriously.
This country's gonna be rocking, this country's gonna be cooking, this country's gonna be sizzling, and everybody is going to want to be close to [Donald] Trump.
The biggest challenge I have is to learn when somebody doesn't really mean what they're saying 'cause I don't say something I don't mean. I live in Literalville.
There's a distinct American culture that evolved from the United States founding, and that is what made America great, is what allowed the human being to become.
The media have literally no negative effect on Donald Trump. No matter what he says, no matter how he says what he says, no matter what he does, it gets covered.
Frankly, I'm tired of the powerful getting away with all kinds of stuff. Hillary [Clinton] didn't win - and, folks, there are ways without an actual prosecution.
What is it between Obama and Iran? That's the question we all ought to have. Because it sure seems to me like Obama's got some sort of affection for that nation.
Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'
At his campaign launch, Donald Trump apparently paid extras $50 to cheer for him at the rally. Trump said, 'Usually when I pay a person to like me, it's my wife.'
Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time.
The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.
It's fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space 'the Bruce Jenner effect.'
The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.
North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran.
Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then.
Mitt Romney, maybe the most moral and decent man who's ever run for president, ended up being a murderer, somebody who didn't care about animals, and a tax cheat.
I tell people don't kill all the liberals. Leave enough so we can have two on every campus - living fossils - so we will never forget what these people stood for.
We keep waiting for the American people to wake up, and they keep hitting the snooze bar. But something, folks, someday, will wake them up. Of that I'm confident.
The last thing they want is a revitalized economy now. I'm not saying the Democrats don't want a strong economy. Don't misunderstand. They just don't want it now.
I think it's always been an arrangement that had political objectives and goals, which is fine. Get married for whatever reason you want, as far as I'm concerned.
Whatever I believe here and whatever you think I'm advocating, it's not because I care what happens to the Republican Party. I care about what happens to America!
If somebody tells me they want something or they want something to happen and if it's in my power to make it happen, I start working on it thinking they meant it.
The Republicans or conservatives always, when it comes to judging, when it comes to legalities, always try to do the right thing even if it harms their interests.
The more that happens that makes sure liberals and liberalism remain a minority, the better off the world is gonna be and the better off this country is gonna be.