Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If I lose my mind again and I tell you that I'm thinking of getting married, I want you to put me in a straight jacket and take me to the beach at high tide.
The world's state sponsor of terrorism is now on path, sanctioned by the United States, to create nuclear weapons. We are going to make it possible for them.
You don't need 70 people in a White House press conference to tell people what happened there. You need a camera and maybe a couple reporters, and that's it.
I've always thought that people always wonder why conservatives don't stick together like liberals do. You know, they kind of throw the person to the wolves.
I know the drill. [Republicans] say Donald Trump is not a Republican. They say he's a Trojan horse or he's unacceptable or he's uncouth or whatever they say.
Ivanka Trump is for climate change. Ivanka is all for single-parent families, and so she's as close to liberal as you're gonna get in her dad's inner circle.
[Donald] Trump wasn't even in public life back in 2002-2003. There was nothing Trump could have done one way or the other no matter what he thought about it.
I've never taken an acting lesson in my life, and it's not my chosen profession, so I'm flattered when people say I can do it and give me props for doing it.
When you work for something, you appreciate it more. So what are y'all going to do with all the opportunities you inherited that you didn't have to work for?
This whole notion of a post racial America was nonsense from the very beginning. It was a bad idea, a bad notion, a bad formulation when it was first raised.
Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up.
Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.
The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It's voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.
The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called ' Irony.gov. '
If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win? 1) Ricky Schroder 2) Gary Coleman 3) The television viewing public
The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.
We're throwing money down a rat hole drain of public education! We lead the world in public education spending. We lead the world in getting the least for it.
That's what liberalism is all about, is promoting incompetence on the basis it's fair, because people would be the best if they weren't discriminated against.
Liberals will not let you improve the schools or the educational opportunities for poor people, because they want to maintain their teachers union status quo.
The reputation Hillary Clinton had at Wellesley and Yale was, "My God, this woman single-handedly could end up running the world! This is the smartest woman!"
Where does it say that we must allow anyone who wants to come to America to come in and become a citizen. I mean, this is a very, very tough thing to discuss.
The Constitution is very clear: Congress has sole discretion over defining who is and who isn't a citizen and how you become one. It's not the 14th Amendment.
One of the things that makes me happiest and proudest is that the talk radio venue, the whole market has expanded. There are all kinds of people doing it now.
To be clear, the gap between the have gots and the have nots is widening. In this most multicultural, multiracial, multiethnic America ever, that concerns me.
Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi's face tried to make.
The mayor of Newark, N.J. wants to set up a citywide program to improve residents' health. The health care program would consist of a bus ticket out of Newark.
Today was the annual Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. Usually when you see something rolling on the White House lawn it's a drunk Secret Service agent.
Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread.
So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.
Another one of President Barack Obama's nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them.
It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe.
Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they're never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show.
Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict.
[On Regis Philbin:] He's like everybody's kid brother with his hand in the cookie jar and his foot in his mouth. You love him, but you can't take him anywhere.
The left has total control over the public education system, all the way up to the university level. It's something they own, and it's going to have to change.
It's beyond me how anybody can look at these protestors and call them anything other than what they are: anti-American, anticapitalist, pro-Marxist communists.
Be yourself, find out what you love, find out what you really want to do, and go do it. And don't depend on people who don't have your best interests at heart.
You think the pope is mad that Donald Trump said Two Corinthians instead of "second"? Get this. Pope Francis just said that contraception can be justified now.
We live in a country where power changes hands cyclically, because everybody in power screws up at some point, or the voters get fickle and just want a change.
[Donald] Trump is going to look into the notion of prosecuting Hillary [Clinton]. CNN has a graphic up , "Trump: Some human activity linked to climate change."
I have a philosophy, folks, and it's based on my own life. I'm using my own life experiences to philosophize about things in general. It has to do with desire.
[People] know what [Donald] Trump wants. They are fascinated with the idea, "Can Trump really get this?" Because Trump, there's nothing professional about him.
On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they're apologizing all the time. They responded saying, 'Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.'
Senator John Kerry is in trouble for making a joke about soldiers being uneducated. As a result, Kerry promised to stop making jokes and stick to boring people.
I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.
Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.
My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.