Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.
I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, it's celebrities.
Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.
Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying - because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she's there listening.
I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.
A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.
John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he's only 33 and then he'll be ready to go.
I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.
Slavery built the South. I'm not saying we should bring it back; I'm just saying it had its merits. For one thing, the streets were safer after dark.
Liberalism is a scourge. It destroys the human spirit. It destroys prosperity. It assigns sameness to everybody. And wherever I find it, I oppose it.
I can't give money away to buy listeners. I can't pay listeners off with phones or food stamps or anything. I can't come by my audience by buying it.
It's impossible to go through life not offending people. All you have to do is basically have an opinion on anything, and you're gonna offend people.
The German birthrate is below replacement levels, meaning the population is shrinking, meaning fewer and fewer people of age to join the labor force.
Honest to God, so International Women's Day, just like May Day and just like Earth Day, all have roots to Marxism and the Bolsheviks and the Soviets.
If you have the desire, if you really had people with the burning desire to lower taxes, it would be done. We know the Democrats don't want to do it.
The left want to get rid of all opposition. They don't want to debate the opposition. They don't want to argue. They just don't want there to be any.
Having to try and going through the trials and tribulations to actually overcome, to get there to win, to triumph, that's what makes life interesting
North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to 'Gangnam Style.'
The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they're doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates.
I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."
New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.
George W. Bush attended the intelligence briefing every day. Obama has not even attended half of them. He sends surrogates. That to me is significant.
The Democrats really are not interested in keeping guns out of the hands of terrorists. They're interested in keeping you from being able to get guns.
There's a reason why young people think what they think. They are taught it. In many cases when they learn at home is erased or countered or overcome.
Everybody wants to be loved by everybody, and they'll do everything they can to be loved, including not be who they really are, from person to person.
You're in the car, you're talking to somebody, the radio's on, music's playing, you're not really listening to it; you're aware of it; that's passive.
In America, we have the highest corporate tax rate in the world. One of the reasons why companies have so much money offshore is because it's cheaper!
The way [Donald Trump] is dealing with this now is to say (paraphrasing), "I don't want these A-listers here. I'm not asking these people to perform."
Hillary Clinton has a miracle disease, a miracle strain of pneumonia that doesn't hurt her or anybody else. The problem is, nobody's ever heard of it.
Destabilization and turmoil,[Steven] Lerner hopes, will also crash the stock market, isolating the banking class and allowing for a transfer of power.
This is a typical liberal trick, by the way: Stack the deck so the whole thing fails leaving only one option, the government to go in to save the day.
Every comedian dreams of hosting 'The Tonight Show' and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second.
Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby.
There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.
Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother.
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.
Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.
Don't worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of 'The Sunshine Boys' with Jay Leno.
Try to always stay focused on the objectives that are possible and the positive - and on having fun outside of the stuff that's going on in Washington.
None of what we [as country] have done is credited. None of the good works. Our foreign affairs budget, foreign aid budget, none of it is ever thanked.
Look it, let me put it to you this way. The NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons. There, I said it.
That's what the Ivy League is. And many of the people there are legacy. Their families went there; their families are in government. The kids go there.
There was no civility, there was no sophistication, there was nothing but raw resentment and anger on the part of the Hillary [Clinton] campaign staff.
Hillary [Clinton] had all these A-listers, well, look at this parade of losers that did that video encouraging electors to not vote for [Donald] Trump.
Have you seen the Vatican wall? It's over 50-feet high. It's over 50-feet high. It's not even the kind of wall [Donald] Trump's talking about building.
The people who have destroyed the health care system are also in line to destroy other aspects of our economy, the job market, immigration and amnesty.
They're not predicting global warming based on what's happened in the past; they're basing it on what their computer predictions say, and nothing more.
It's important for people to realize I don't want to be the It guy. I want to crawl before I walk. I want to learn about things before I jump into them.