Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm falling back on what some of the standard protocols for politics are after victory. We in America do not prosecute defeated political enemies.
Whatever you think of Romney and his politics, as a human being there's none better. As a man of integrity, man of character, there's none better.
Gross negligence cannot possibly have intent because it cancels it out. If you're grossly negligent, intent's not a factor, you are or you aren't.
Is there anybody out there that will point to Hillary Clinton and say, "Gosh, my life is so much better because of her"? Why aren't they on stage?
George W. Bush was great on the belief that America was the solution to the world's problems, not the problem, and was a great defender, believer.
I don't want the Obama era to be more about symbolism than substance when it comes to black people. I love him, but I love black people even more.
Summer is a drag because even normal people become obsessed with their bodies. A bad bathing suit can humiliate you more tan anything else in life.
The first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox. The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.
These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.
An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.
I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.
Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.
I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.
I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory.
According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.
Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'
They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.
when you fall in love, you must fall in love with a man the way he is now, because marriage won't change anything, except maybe your tax deduction.
I go back to Robert Reich and his appearance on [George] Stephanopoulos' show. The Democrat Party has not been in this bad a shape since the 1920s.
[Hillary Clinton] is been honest about how many people she wants to enter the country unquestioned, unvetted, both illegal immigrants and refugees.
Republican primary voters, whether they're close primaries or open, are voting for anybody but candidates attached to the Republican establishment.
As is the case with that generation [Millennials], they look like they're interested and all fired up and ready to go, and then Election Day comes.
There are elements of democracy in votes here and there in America. But in the actual structure of the government, we're a representative republic.
[The American people] would rather invest in themselves than listen to a bunch of people in Washington who do not have a record of fixing anything.
By the power invested in me by the state of New York and the Universal Life Church, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You can kiss the groom.
This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.
Obama was heckled by someone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A.
Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams.
Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.
You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.
During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.
President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.
Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'
When you get down to the meat and potatoes of genuine capitalism, it is cutthroat, vicious competition, and the consumer always benefits in the end.
Everybody in politics claims to want to get everybody out of poverty. What's the opposite? Wealth. And what is often criticized by the left? Wealth.
Media does not get everything they want all the time. The Democrats certainly don't. They don't win every election, and they don't win every battle.
Hillary Clinton doesn't give anybody anything. With Hillary Clinton it's all incoming. There's no outgoing, there's no outflow with Hillary Clinton.
Diversity hasn't a thing to do with why this country is great. Diversity is not a factor in any way when defining or explaining America's greatness.
In civilized society, women have the ultimate power. It's women who say "no," in civilized society. That's what you feminists never have understood.
One must never lose perspective. You don't get lost in your success, and you don't get depressed about failure, and you keep it all in an even keel.
The right don't have time off to go join protest marches as a career. The left has turned that into a bought-and-paid-for, rent-a-mob type activity.
You don't need a blanket of can't do this, that's illegal, that's unfair, that's unjust, all of these can'ts, all these won'ts never helped anybody.
With an endless assortment of children and animals living under one roof, there was always some absurd crisis that gave comic relief to my problems.
Heart means something, especially in Gotham City, where the only thing worse than a scrub is someone devoid of that thumping sound inside the chest.
The role that people think I play is not a role. When I go home, and I'm with my sisters, I'm the same way. When I'm with my boys, I'm the same way.
Today in Washington, D.C., several government buildings were left without power. Of course, the White House will be without power for two more years.
You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people.
In an interview, Hillary Clinton said she likes nearly every flavor of ice cream. When he heard this, Chris Christie said 'Hey, she stole my speech.'