Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am.
I don't think I've ever heard anybody in this Regime counsel restraint and advise, "No backlash against cops. We must maintain the order."
One Rockette, who's probably a lug head, doesn't even know which end's up or down, ends up making news, and the media loves to present it.
All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 last night, except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago.
Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn't that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.
I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.
The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.
Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.
Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.
Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'
Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush.
What most people perceive as energy is really strength of spirit. It comes from the joy of knowing God, loving Him, and being loved by Him.
There is no conclusive proof that nicotine's addictive... And the same thing with cigarettes causing emphysema, lung cancer, heart disease.
I used to have a phrase: Liberalism is spreading misery equally. And now the ruling class throughout Washington seems to have adopted this.
President Erdogan is aiming Turkey at a Sharia nation. That’s where he wants to go. He is a Sharia law, full-fledged, one percent Islamist.
The Clintons believe they're under more scrutiny than anybody's ever been, but because of the way they do things they invite that scrutiny.
Apple is to the United States government what Clarence Thomas was to the civil rights coalition. How dare you get this big sidestepping us.
Hillary Clinton does not have to worry about the sirens and the gunshots night. She doesn't worry about it. She's sleeping. She's sleeping.
Democrats can't survive in any kind of adversity. Look at how they're crying and whining like a bunch of stuck pigs over the mean Russians.
Hillary's [Clinton] okay if they [FBI] can't prove any criminality or if nobody wants to charge her with it, then whatever she did is fine.
"Some human activity linked to climate change." That bothers me much more than whether or not we're gonna be prosecuting Hillary [Clinton].
Jennifer Palmieri and Joel Benenson and all these people on Hillary's [Clinton] side just can't come to grips with the fact that they lost.
I am interested in power, too, but power for you, the people, not power for bureaucrats and politicians and officeholders and all the like.
We've got to stop this making fun of guys. I think part of it's to protect [Barack] Obama, because he's the one that's well known for that.
There's a part of me that thinks I'm married to the audience, that I'm married to my job, and that this is where I devote 90% of my energy.
President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama's mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran.
NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in.
Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.
Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.
[The Democrats] can't stop [Donald] Trump. They are in the exact position that the Republicans were in in 2009 and 2010 with [Barack] Obama.
Mrs. Clinton's policies, which are an echo of Barack Obama's policies, are gonna continue to wreak havoc and damage on America's minorities.
Liberalism has become a special kind of stupid, and it's on full display now, which I think ultimately has the potential to be a good thing.
Our government denies that terrorism is caused by Islamic doctrine. Now, that is true, and it is a declarative statement. It's not arguable.
You might have some people that disagree with populism and anti-globalism and so forth, but Donald Trump has no desire to undermine America.
Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.'
It's rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger's son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, 'That's my boy.'
Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg fell asleep during Obama's speech. She woke up with the other justices drawing a gavel on her face.
A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.
Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.
Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?
That's the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.
Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.
Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.
Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.
John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message.