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In the midterm elections, a 102-year-old woman voted for the first time in a U.S. election. Unfortunately, she voted for Woodrow Wilson.
I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.
A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.
Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.
I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.
The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It's camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.
The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said, I've heard that for years.
Ideal women: 36-24-36, five foot seven, flat spot on top of the head, deaf mute. The flat spot on the top of the head is for your drink.
There is no law in the world - there is no law unwritten, there's no law on the books - that's gonna stop a criminal from getting a gun.
Liberals measure compassion by how many people are given welfare. Conservatives measure compassion by how many people no longer need it.
The White House press corps isn't there at a press briefing. It's not... They're not news gatherers there. There really isn't any media.
One of the reasons I think Barack Obama had the policy he did was purposely to create this flood of refugees from Syria. He wanted them!
A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.
Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math.
Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife.
In the Year 2000 due to the declining number of champions in the world, Wheaties will change its slogan to 'Breakfast of Sexual Deviants.
The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need a job.'
Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous.
Mexico's No. 1 drug lord has escaped from prison and may be headed to the U.S. So Donald Trump was wrong. They ARE sending us their best.
It's April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good.
It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.
Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over!
If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.
Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.
Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to 'President Trump.'
And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.
Ray Comfort's got a fabulous film. Oh boy, this is going to cause the halls of academia to have a few conversations around the cafeteria.
Not only can the media not take Trump out, the media can't even hurt him. And when they try, he gets even more powerful, or more popular.
The ocean will take care of this on its own if it was left alone and left out there. It's natural. It's as natural as the ocean water is.
Well, the chairman of Federal Reserve just made his move to rescue Barack Obama. We're gonna have QE3. We're gonna print some more money.
Liberal Democrats are inexorably opposed to tax cuts, because tax cuts give people more power, and take away from the role of government.
If I wanted to be president, and if I were ever serious about it, the biggest thing I would have going for me is that I'm a conservative.
I never turn on the news over the weekend, short of a nuclear detonation somewhere. I just don't. I don't learn anything from it anymore.
Journalists should have been the first to tell people what Obamacare would mean to them. They are now the last to figure all of this out.
A job training center is not gonna train anybody for the future. What trains somebody for the future is education and passion and desire.
I never talk about things that don't matter. I never talk about things that are unimportant. I always talk about things that interest me.
You can be guaranteed a story on the presidential campaign is gonna lampoon the Republican candidate in every one of those news agencies.
Watch me on CNN/SI. Check out clips from 'Quite Frankly.' I've always been Stephen A. Smith. I've been this way since the day I was born.
Capitalism is like a child: if you want the child to grow up free and productive, somebody's got to look over the shoulder of that child.
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.
Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.
Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.
I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.
The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his Crate & Barrel catalog.
A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.
Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star of the future.'
The truth does not require a majority to prevail, ladies and gentlemen. The truth is its own power. The truth will out. Never forget that.