Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you're a victim, you're not happy. You can't be happy. It's impossible to be happy. It's even difficult to be content.
Everybody thought that Hillary Clinton was gonna win. That's the problem. Everybody thought, nobody was paying attention.
How did it come to be that you think men and women are the same? Well, there's a simple answer to the question: Feminism.
Meritocracy has nothing to do with who gets in. It's more who you are and where you come from and where you are employed.
One thing Donald Trump does, the minute something's out there about him that's not true, he blows it up. He reacts to it.
I can't stand people who look into the camera and look into the eyes of millions of people and wax political correctness.
Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses.
That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.
I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.
Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.
Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails.
So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.
Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, 'Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.'
What better way to head off more oil drilling, nuclear plants, than by blowing up a rig? I'm just noting the timing, here.
North Carolina was never a battleground state until recently. Now it is, and it's because of migration from the Northeast.
If you want to talk about the pollution coming from Ohio, please don't leave out the pollution coming your way from China.
Donald Trump supporters are as opposed to Hillary Clinton and probably more so than the Republican Party establishment is.
Nobody gives you money for nothing, and that's the lesson with the Clintons. Nobody gives you money because they like you.
According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does.
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.
There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
They figured out a way to control that hamburger disease. You dip the hamburger into the scalding hot coffee before eating.
I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards' phone number.
The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.
President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.
There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.
President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.
Let the unskilled jobs that take absolutely no knowledge whatsoever to do — let stupid and unskilled Mexicans do that work.
Obama is telling the insurance companies, as a dictator would, what they can and can't do or what they must or must not do.
Ronald Reagan fought for America. He loved America. He feared where the left, based on history, wanted to take the country.
The really damaging thing is that the objectives, the goals of the people on the left are not possible. There is no utopia.
When the Democrat Party lost to Ronald Reagan in two landslides, it was the American people's fault. It was Reagan's fault.
No Republicans won the White House since the "Jurassic" age without winning Ohio. But for the Democrats, it doesn't matter.
I fear that we are living in a society, living in a world where forgiving people is becoming more and more difficult to do.
I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.
This week Apple stores are holding free computer programming classes for children. Or as that's called in China, a job fair.
Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.
Some scientists want to replace the handshake with the fist bump. Others want to replace the fist bump with the 'tush push.'
There's good random, and there's bad random. There's good silly and there's bad silly, and you've gotta know the difference.
Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.
The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba - this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia.
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!
Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.
Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.
Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.
I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.
You liberals are going to have to understand something: I'm not the one that wants to put limits on anybody. You people are.