Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Hillary Clinton has this problem. The more she's seen, the more she's heard, the worse she does. This is not arguable.
The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.
Happy Cinco de Mayo! It’s a holiday that’s as respectful of Mexican traditions as Epcot Center’s Mexican food pavilion.
Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It's been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.
According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They've been reading my email.
I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.
George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.
Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.
I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.
I think sometimes the very reason we go through something is so that we can be empathetic with another person later on.
Seriously, he is just a voice on the radio, unlike the ones in your head, you don't have to do what he tells you to do.
A federal appellate circuit looked at what [Barak] Obama was doing and said he can't do it. Immigration law is settled.
The Democrats were losing elections everywhere, except when Obama was on the ballot - and that is the racial component.
The gay movement has realized its agenda, so they've gotta transfer that energy somewhere and transgenders is the next.
You have a hundred senators, but for anything to happen you need 60, which makes it really hard for anything to happen.
It is not about promoting a distinct and great American culture because today's Democrat Party does not believe in one.
No one on the planet Earth is going to be able to look at me on television and say that I'm a liar. It will not happen.
We need to elect leaders who understand that leadership is about loving and serving people, not about self-advancement.
Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning.
In Montana, a math teacher is running for the Senate. Win or lose, she plans on demanding a recount because math is fun.
I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.
Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.
Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.
The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
Everybody assumes I know everything, so they send me these notes sometimes, and I don't know what they're talking about.
I would love for Hillary's [Clinton] massive ad campaign to be pointless and worthless. I would love for it to bomb out.
The Republican Party is in a predicament that it made itself. It made its own bed, and now they don't want to lay in it.
I got an email from somebody who's mad, and from the sound of it it's enough to make this person abandon [Donald] Trump.
If you really want to end income inequality, I've got the way to fix it. People who don't work shouldn't get any income.
The people of America at some point are gonna have to realize that relying on government to fix everything is foolhardy.
The idea that any president represents the world, by definition the United States must be diminished for that to happen.
Conservative presence in the media has not been reflected in elections. Well, maybe the midterm elections of 2010, 2014.
I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.
I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.
President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.'
Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.
Well, the manhunt continues for that elusive evil mastermind, but I'm telling you Enron CEO Kenneth Lay remains at large.
Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a minute, that's me.
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.
You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?
What do Obama and God have in common? Neither has a birth certificate. How do they differ? God does not think he's Obama.
As a professional broadcaster, I can tell you that over the course of my career, there is an adage: don't ever apologize.
[Barak] Obama's immigration behavior, executive amnesty, this DREAMer stuff - everything he's doing - is outside the law.
Modern-era feminists believe that there is no inherent difference in men and women, that it's all the way they're raised.
I must have 25 AT&T iPhones, maybe more than that. I've got plenty of Verizons. I just don't have them in the small size.
"Just give your life to us and stop worrying about things," is what Obama's message is, and people don't want to do that.