Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.
If you ever find that you only have an hour to live .... spend it with a liberal and it will seem like a year.
War is worthless except for ending slavery, Nazism, fascism, and communism. Other than that, war is pointless.
Nationalizing businesses, nationalizing banks, is not a solution for the democratic party, it's the objective.
No two things are equal. No two people are equal. Nobody can guarantee equal outcomes unless everybody's poor.
Could somebody explain to me why transgender people have become so important to Barack Hussein O? I'm serious.
What I know is that taxation, as far as liberal Democrats are concerned, is not about money. It's about power.
I wouldn't want to spend every waking hour asking people for money. A, I can't do it, it's just not my nature.
In the Year 2000 men will finally discover that the reason women go to the bathroom in pairs... is to make out.
Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.
Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.
Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.
[H]as the CDC ever published a story about the dangers of catching diseases when you sleep with illegal aliens?
The Los Angeles riots were not caused by the Rodney King verdict. The Los Angeles riots were caused by rioters.
The more people in need, the better the Democrat Party is, in their minds, 'cause that's their source of power.
[Radical leftist] are never been a majority. We just fell for one of the greatest illusions in modern politics.
Obama passes Obamacare, the Tea Party comes into existence over two things: this out of control Obama spending.
The media can't take Trump out, and that scares the heck out of everybody, particularly in the Republican side.
The plate tectonics of media have shifted where NBC had to become a new media company from an old media company.
'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.
Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it's been since I have been able to wear my "Go Iran" T-shirt?
I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.
The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.
I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
Ladies, if you want a happy marriage, then do whatever your husband tells you without questioning his authority.
Donald Trump is breaking every rule and getting away with it. He's breaking every rule and getting more popular.
Feminazis have adopted abortion as a kind of sacrament for their religion/politics of alienation and bitterness.
I know it's absurd, but they're out saying so, and Hillary [Clinton] makes a big, big deal about climate change.
The Democrat Party, particularly with demographic shifts taking, would love to get rid of the Electoral College.
You have this special place - America, you want it to remain special, you better find out why it became special.
Hillary Clinton has been The Smartest Woman in the World in her circle since 1970 when she went away to college.
The Constitution says nothing about anchor babies. The 14th Amendment says nothing about birthright citizenship.
The City of Angels is a microcosm of the world, and so living in L.A. makes me feel like a citizen of the world.
There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?
Some McDonald's restaurants are taking reservations on Valentine's Day. They are getting a lot of tables for one.
They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick's Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home.
President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States.
In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What's going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out?
Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, 'Dude... '
Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.
Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.
Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS?
You're not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don't you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it?
The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.
I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.
Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.
[Democrat Party] believe that there's gonna be mass appreciation and love and everybody's gonna be getting along.
Football's not a bastion for toughness. It's not a bastion of anything uplifting or good for men or anybody else.