Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Money is the mother's milk of everything, and it certainly is the mother's milk of politics.
The NAACP should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies.
Four times Hillary Clinton has lost the presidency in eight years, a modern American record.
The Supreme Court has never ruled that the children of illegal aliens are American citizens.
A good radio show will captivate you, and it's active listening. It's not in the background.
[People] feel a connection to a guy like Omar Mateen. But they clearly are not angry at him.
The Constitution says Congress has complete control over who is and who is not a US citizen.
The danger with mentioning names is that you hurt the feelings of people that you leave out.
Struggling to stay in the middle class, and I love that. That's me and my dad and my family.
I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops.
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.
Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich.
Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.
I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'
Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.
If you really, really want to help people, stop denying them their dreams when they're young.
There is a bunch of racism in America, and sadly, most of it's on the left side of the aisle.
This is a frightening statistic. More people vote in 'American Idol' than in any US election.
I must be honest. I can only read so many paragraphs of a New York Times story before I puke.
I think we're going to have a nominee, whoever it is, and we'll have support for the nominee.
Hillary Clinton's negatives are higher than any Democrat who has ever been elected, ever run.
I cringe every time I see no evidence of push-back by the Republican Party on Obama policies.
I'm usually one of these guys analyzing what does happen and putting it in focus and context.
We have been in the process of reprogramming men and the way they are raised for a long time.
It's a sad reality if a guy like Charles Koch doesn't qualify as a role model. It's just sad.
Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him.
If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that.
I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.
I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.
New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.
You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.
You know why there's a Second Amendment? In case the government fails to follow the first one.
Communists disavow the existence of God and religion. They hate it, because it's a competitor.
I want Obama to have to weigh in on Ben Affleck as Batman. It's about time Obama went to work.
George W. Bush will not offer one word of criticism for any president. Not Clinton. Not Obama.
Has the pope questioned the Christianity of the Castro brothers, of any other private citizen?
Hillary Clinton doesn't command the screen. She doesn't look intimidating, inviting, engaging.
The truth hurts sometimes, particularly when it involves someone at a low point in their life.
It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.
The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag
Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.
They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.