Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.
Feminists want to be treated as equals, but at the same time they want special treatment.
Kurt Cobain was, ladies and gentleman, I just - he was a worthless shred of human debris.
Washington, DC does not have to live with much of what they produce legislatively for us.
We had 600 ships, a 600 ship Navy under [Ronald] Reagan. We're down to 200 now [in 2016].
When I talk about divorce, I am not blaming the women I've married. It's not their fault.
JFK [John F. Kennedy] was young, glamorous, Camelot, funny, engaging. Congress loved him.
The Republicans know very well how to lose, and they know how to be very civil in defeat.
The left defends their, whatever you want to call, partisans, activists or what have you.
These people in the media, they may hate Donald Trump, but they cannot stop covering him.
No one is going to fire me now. If and when I leave, I'll be the one to make the decision
Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.
I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.
I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.
Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.
We heard stories about fakery and decoys at revivals. I never personally saw any trickery.
Our culture is in moral chaos. On TV we celebrate freaks instead of honest, decent people.
When a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult; it's an invitation.
Who in the world wants to run a country where the new norm is one where there are no jobs?
[Donald Trump] has a huge mandate and they're still in denial and do not even know it yet.
[A-listers] ended up abandoning Hillary [Clinton] more than they abandoned [Donald] Trump.
If you're a victim, you're always mad, but never at yourself. You're mad at somebody else.
I guess we cut Michelle Obama's garden. You hear about that? The Democrats are distressed.
Everybody is telling me Donald Trump is going to destroy the stock market if he's elected.
We wouldn't need any job training centers if our education was working in the first place.
I don't think looking at things through the prism of fear is going to accomplish anything.
Right now if you ask me Carmelo Anthony is GONE. He's going to L.A. to play w/Kobe Bryant.
If Sony's not going to show 'The Interview,' that's it. No more North Korean movies for me.
Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.
One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on Fox News.
The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question.
Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.
When you have a problem, the first thing to do in addressing it is to honestly identify it.
The Democrat Party can't provide, can't take care of, cannot provide prosperity for people.
If you don't work, you shouldn't have an income. If you don't work, you shouldn't get paid.
I think Hillary Clinton is vulnerable, she is not liked, she is not overwhelmingly popular.
San Francisco is the only city in America where marijuana is legal but plastic bags are not.
California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up.
I can't wait for the Republican debates to start and there's literally 65 guys on one stage.
Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.
Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.
I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value.
Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.
The country will survive Obama, but it cannot survive the abject ignorance that elected him.
Have you ever noticed how all composite pictures of wanted criminals resemble Jesse Jackson?