Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The downside to defining everything Chinese as different than American is that all things Chinese then become exotic.
As scary as it was being raised by one Jewish mother, I have to feel for my kids because they have two Jewish mothers.
Joan Rivers was a role model to comics everywhere, but especially to women. She got the first laugh and the last laugh.
For years now, people have mentioned my mustache and get disappointed that when they see me live I don't have a mustache.
Comedy is just an unspoken language. Everybody understands it. Funny is funny. When it's not funny, they'll let you know.
The big thing I learned from Chris Rock was not to be a victim of show business. Don't let show business push you around.
We should always be having a conversation about if we could make this country more inclusive and what we can do to do that.
My son - oh man, I think, every year, I'm getting 25 to 30 minutes of material from talking about him. He just keeps growing.
There were definitely a few ways I could have gone after 'Totally Biased' ended. One of those was getting a job at Starbucks.
Most people have the ability to turn their empathy engine back on, but there's such a seductive burn to not being empathetic.
The alt-right is the Tea Party's younger, cooler, meaner brother. Like if the movie 'Back to The Future' was just about Biff.
Even if the KKK isn't the outsized presence it once was in this country, many of its principles and ideas are alive and well.
My mother loves it when I talk about her. Half the time, I think she says things that she knows will go straight into the act.
At worst, spring break in Daytona Beach feels feral - like everybody is trying to re-create scenes from the movie 'The Hangover.'
Telling me that I’m obsessed with talking about racism in America is like telling me I’m obsessed with swimming when I’m drowning.
You pretty much have to be bad at it [stand-up] for several years to get good at it, so there's no avoiding embarrassing yourself.
The day-to-day discomforts of prison life, combined with the big-picture realities of mass incarceration, do not add up to a party.
Whatever I talk about onstage is just my story. My fan base is broad... We all have the same mom; it's just that ours has an accent.
I have a nice little house in LA. Well, the bedroom is nice. I have French doors in the bedroom. They don't open unless I lick them.
Women risked their lives for the right to vote. When I hear people say, 'Oh, I'm not gonna vote,' I just wanna tear their heart out.
That's how to make a stand-up comedian: You take a person who is uncomfortable and try to squirrel their way out of it through humor.
As much as some people like to put down 'political correctness,' if it wasn't for political correctness, I wouldn't be free right now.
The Olympics are great, but they only truly mean something when the moments that come out of them are bigger than the individual sports.
I do enjoy Dennis Miller, I do enjoy Chris Rock when they do their political humor, but it's never been my goal... I love relatable humor.
Everyone is where they are at because they worked hard for it. Don't ever hate on someone's hustle. Just figure out how you can get there.
When Arnold Schwarzenegger was pronouncing it 'Cal-LEE-fornia,' he was right - he just didn't realize he was accidentally speaking Spanish.
I'm used to taking risks - my career was a risk. Being a stand-up comic is not something that's normally accepted when your mother is Filipino.
I think a lot of people get into stand-up to be the center of attention, which is perfectly legitimate. But I think I got in there to be heard.
It doesn't do any good to just be on the side of black people. The funnier comedic position is to be on the side of oppressed people in general.
The coolest thing for me is that I've been blessed with a nice following. The people that come to see me are fans, and that happens in Vegas, too.
My mother is a tall woman - as is everyone in my family. At her prime, she stood 5 feet 9 inches, which is quite unusual for a woman born in 1922.
The country should be more inclusive, not less inclusive, and over an infinite timeline, it becomes more inclusive. It doesn't always happen at once.
I only halfway paid attention in high school Spanish class, and it may be too late now to catch up, no matter how many levels of Rosetta Stone I order.
Most prisons in this country are in the middle of nowhere, which makes it much easier for us all to throw those people away. Out of sight, out of mind.
I am actually a bit chubby, and I eat everything. I eat in a way - if my parents fed me the way I choose to eat as an adult, they would've lost custody.
My partner and I had our first son in 1996, and the office became the baby's room. Our second son was born in 2001, and the office became the kids' room.
Remember the phrase - 'Act your age, not your shoe size?' That didn't apply to me, as they were the same until the age of 12 when my feet stopped growing.
Over the years, I'd hear Jon Stewart disavow being a journalist and say, 'No, I'm a comedian.' I'd be like, 'Stop pretending. You know you're a journalist.'
When I was a kid, I'd read about celebrities who didn't want to talk to their fans after a show. I told myself, 'That's terrible, and I would never do that.'
You might not agree with something, but it doesn't mean you don't need to listen to it. White people have to accept that they don't always know about racism.
Comedy is like expensive cheese. Well, it's like cheese, in general. Everybody likes what they like, and everything they don't like, they think is the worst.
With the blessing of social media and platforms like Amazon Prime and Netflix, you get this broad audience that I don't think we knew about when we were kids.
Everything I put on stage is real; that's what my life is. My emotions - I wear them on my sleeve. I'm definitely putting my heart out there when I'm on stage.
Puerto Rico is complicated. The people are complicated. The history is complicated. The story of the United States' relationship to Puerto Rico is complicated.
What has happened is we've allowed the people who run policies in this country to sort of make us pick Left and the Right as if those are the only two choices.
I'm of the opinion that if you step on stage and you're not a straight white male, you're automatically making a political statement whether you know it or not.
I grew up in a household where we talked about race all the time, and that's sort of in me. So if I become the Anthony Bourdain of race and culture, then great!
I'm not a Republican, but I was one once - when I was 7 years old. Not my fault. The symbol of the Republican Party is an elephant, I'm a Hindu - I was confused.
It's so crazy: my mom and dad divorced when I was 11, and my fondest memories are in the Philippines and being raised by my mom. It's such a big part of my life.
If I find something funny or something that kind of cracks me up, I'll get up on stage. I don't care what situation I'm in or what media I'm in: I'm gonna say it.