Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There are some dogs that are gigantic that look like they shouldn't be in existence.
I'm a Mariners fan! I'm from Seattle, so I'm all about the Mariners and the Seahawks.
I try to win the love and approval of strangers, since it didn't work with my family.
I started in 1989. I was the booker, the promoter, the headliner. I wore all the hats.
There is nothing - nothing - like writing a great joke and having that joke kill onstage.
It's always fun when you see different comics at different weights or with different hair.
I never learned how to tie my shoes, and I was mocked for that. I still don't know how to.
In America, I've been told so many times that I look 'too Jewish' that I stopped counting.
My doctor said I had OCD. I couldn't believe it. I had to call him nine times to make sure.
I've never been on one of these shows where you have to make alliances and be a team player.
When 'Totally Biased' was canceled, I thought my career was over - but apparently it wasn't.
The appearance on 'The Tonight Show' was one thing, but the YouTube afterlife was incredible.
Something about Floridians, man - they are good to me. I'm glad my comedy translates to them.
Women are taught that if you want to be a lady, keep your opinions to yourself and be polite.
Tacoma is actually my hometown, but if you live within 40 minutes of Seattle, you say Seattle.
Another stupid thing I believed for a long time was that pizza was supposed to be said peed-za.
I get involved in the political, but I don't bring it to the stage because that's not my style.
We really suffer from a hot-take disease, wanting to be the first one who has the hottest take.
Joan Rivers broke down barriers, advocated for free speech, and never apologized for who she was.
It would be cool for someone to ask me about some of the structural choices I make with my albums.
I like being able to donate my comedy to charity. I'm not a billionaire, and I can't write checks.
I am able to apply certain things to my craft that maybe other comedians don't, because I'm a devotee.
Just keep following your damn dreams, it just costs a lot of damn money. I'm broke, but I have a dream.
Comedy is the most palliative way to make a point. People are more willing to listen if they can laugh.
Atheism is like the highest level of white privilege. It's like having a black belt in white privilege.
Usually, the news out of Florida makes me feel like being black in Florida can be a terminal condition.
America, the self-described greatest nation on Earth, has the highest incarceration rate on the planet.
I try to be as thoughtful as I can about everything that comes out of my mouth and not reinforce sexism.
I worked at Military Media, an advertising agency for military-base newspapers. Don't ask, I won't tell.
I want to go to Australia and take the same goofy picture of me holding a koala that everyone else takes.
Unfortunately, I cook for two boys, and they don't care what it looks like on the plate, and neither do I.
The history of Oregon is partially the history of a state that legislated not wanting black people around.
It's neat seeing people that aren't necessarily part of my demographic who really get the jokes. I love it.
Stand-up will always be my first love, and it has been the primary way I've expressed myself since I was 17.
I've turned the annoying questions that white people ask into a career, so I understand that's where I live.
I am a comedian: that means I laugh at things other people don't laugh at and also annoys my wife sometimes.
We all know showbiz isn't easy, but being a comic - especially being a female comic - can be quite punishing.
If I could email my jokes to the crowd and get the same immediate response [as during stand-up], I'd do that.
I realize as I get older that stand-up is a huge part of who I am. I think I'll do it for the rest of my life.
There's no religion in this country that is more misunderstood, mis-categorized, and misidentified than Islam.
If I was married to a man, and I had the same life situation that I have, it's the perfect recipe for a sitcom.
I always think about when I was a kid, and I didn't have anything, and now I get to see my son live a good life.
We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.
Some people use stand-up to get something else in their careers, but it's truly the art form of stand-up I love.
I live on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. I live in a 950-square-foot apartment with one bathroom and two sons.
There are a lot of times where people think I'm in things that I'm not in, because they think I'm Kumail Nanjiani.
Everyone wants to say they hate lawyers, and yet I've never met a parent who didn't want their kid to be a lawyer.
In the deep corner of my heart, I'm a Chicagoan, but it's been covered over by 20 years of living in the Bay Area.
To be off the grid is to be disconnected from most of America's infrastructure without having to cross any border.
I'm a dad, and that's really important to me, and I realize now that I'm a dad that it's a major part of my identity.