Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I can't hide my feelings. I'm efficient. I've always been that way.
And roast beef and Yorkshire pudding is my personal signature dish.
I've been married forty-five years. I think laughter is the secret.
I made people laugh as a kid, but that's not how you make a living.
There is an edginess in my work that people don't always recognize.
My grandma is kind of a rock star. She goes to France and all over.
I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
Anything you have to acquire a taste for was not meant to be eaten.
Trust yourself, because as Oprah says, doubt means don't every time
How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?
Here's the thing about people who believe in god... They're idiots.
None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes.
It would be nice if I had a faster metabolism, because I love food.
I like pens. My writing is so amazing there's never a need to erase
I guess there seems to be clubs opening up again, which is strange.
I can't remember the last live-action, non-animated Christmas movie.
Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.
I have to warn you, I'm not just some sitcom guy. I'm now an author.
I've had time off, and it drove me nuts. I was crawling up the wall.
Videogames are a little more work and they're a little more stilted.
The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.
I grew up in a very Catholic household. We were pretty conservative.
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.
Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.
How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.
When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something.
A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.
My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers.
I like pens. My writing is so amazing there's never a need to erase.
My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.
I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.
The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.
You can't be a doctor if you don't know the entire parts of the body.
Don't ever have two dogs. That way you won't know which one to blame.
There are some actresses that can't do comedy; it's too heavy-handed.
Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people
Is it common for people to become a pothead at 40? Asking for myself.
Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that - wasted time.
Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.
Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself
I'm set up where I make a lot of money doing stand-up, and it's easy.
I'd rather send out a mass email then hang posters all over the place
My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.
It's a pleasure to work with someone who is just as strong as you are.